Purge 1

What’s the matter with you? I’m all right. Thanks for mentioning it. God walks on all fours with icicles. Plainly spoken and arguably the best there ever was. Fuck openings that are hidden from view. I had a dad who lived in a god forsaken town, near an asylum. He owned his own stretch of land and had big fields that he worked. I had terrible nightmares when I would stay at his house. I would lay awake all night thinking about escaped mental patients outside, surrounding us. The owls sounded like demons screaming from trees. Bloodthirsty cannibals coming to break into the house and have me for dinner. The people that there is no reasoning with, no amount of begging or manipulation could ever make them second guess their actions. Infallible people, you gotta respect em for that. Not an ounce of guilt or remorse while committing the most atrocious and violent acts. A drive that is unshakeable, wrought from instinct and hunger. The ONLY way to talk yourself out of getting eaten would be to somehow make them think that you are one of them. Sort of like blending in with zombies by painting yourself with blood and shambling along with the hordes.  

What disturbs me? ugly people. I mean physically not mentally. They are a rancid stain on the earth. Always so sheepish and unassuming, they are practically begging for you to chastise them, but once you get up close you register the repulsiveness in all its decayed glory and vomit a little bit in your mouth. Ugly people are there to taunt you with pathetic attempts at normalcy. Who wants to speak to a hideous freak? No one! Let them gather in their shit stained corners like cockroaches and stare at each other’s subhuman features. Yet they make you feel guilty for ignoring them, make you uncomfortable for having to act like you don’t notice them. They trap you in corners and try to be friendly. You can only come up with so many excuses to prematurely exit a conversation, and we need to save those excuses for getting out of decent conversations with decent human beings. 

Vomit rag colostomy bag. Inertia weighing my soft mittens on a schoolgirl’s thigh. The ramifications mark an undoubted relinquishing of all class. My physicality is nonexistent, I am a feather in the wind. Can I actually make anything happen? Can I influence a change in anything’s natural trajectory?

Much too often I come to find myself suddenly waking up from a state of almost catatonic mindlessness. A brief period of time where literally no thought enters my head (that I can consciously detect anyways) and there is usually a melody running through faintly, and it seems to be the only thing separating me from being asleep. Sometimes I catch myself and become aware that I have been in this state for hours, and sometimes it’s only a few seconds. I didn’t think much of it when I started noticing it happen, or if it was a new thing, or if I had been doing it my whole life without realizing it. I thought as well that it might be normal and that it happens to everyone, I asked one or two people about it and they said that everyone blanks out occasionally. But I literally lie in bed attempting to sleep for hours, 5 or 6 at a time, and just stay in this thoughtless state. I have trouble sleeping many nights, very occasionally it’s because thoughts are running through my head nonstop, 90% of the time it’s because there’s a record skipping in my mind playing some vaguely familiar melody and the whole time not a single tangible thought is formed. Memory.

I ate a roast beef sandwich and vomited in your cunt. You cried and snot bubbles tickled my tongue. I still hold the memory of sitting in that bathtub with my mother, she used my infant arm as a tool for masturbation.  

I get and have to be very calculated in my interactions and everything must be controlled in my field of senses. This makes my general tone suspect. You will not perceive me as being in tune; you will see me wearing ulterior motives on my sleeve because I am working to decipher the right response at all times. You will think I am deep and hard to get to know at first. Then you will think I am shallow and all that I am is what I show. Then you will get glimpses of my intuition and intelligence because you have fallen off my radar as a potential threat, and this is when you will see my icy indifference coupled with my urge to be accepted. Soon thereafter you will come to the conclusion that I am a pervert or a serial killer, and make sure to keep far, far away.