Polite Boilerplate Credible Threat

Polite Boilerplate Credible Threat

Hey! Are you a lonely weirdo on the internet? 

Ever wish you could send someone a politely worded, self-aware, but also credible threat on their life? 

Look no further! 

Works for internecine Twitter disputes, threatening letters to politicians, and more!

 

LINE ONE – CIRCLE DESIRED OPENER

Dear

  1. Sir
  2. Ma’am
  3. Senator
  4. Mr. President
  5. Whore
  6. ZOG
  7. Zionist running dog
  8. fascist menace to the proletariat
  9. slightly different type of anarchist
  10. welfare parasite
  11. counterrevolutionary wrecker
  12. Judeo-Masonic insectoid Frankist

 

LINE TWO – CIRCLE YOUR THREATENING, SCARY IDEOLOGY

I’m a

  1. deranged far-right Amerikkkan (positive sense) neo-Nazi with a small armory of AR-15s and an all-consuming obsession with black dick
  2. leftist creepazoid Amerikkkan (negative sense) camped out at mom’s house and I just Googled “how do I make pipe bombs” (I turned NordVPN on before I searched that so I’m good)
  3. traditionalist who mistakenly joined the Orthodox Church under the assumption I would find a tradwife, becoming more sexually frustrated by the day
  4. anarcho-communist with the thinnest arms known to medical science, a bikelock, and twelve friends who look just like me down at the squat
  5. mentally ill loner being groomed by at least two three-letter agencies into committing a mass shooting nearing his activation date
  6. Gonzaloite teen with a Twitter account, few scruples, and even fewer babies to boil calling you out for something that makes sense to roughly <0.00002% of the population
  7. ronin, the last active combatant of GamerGate
  8. libertarian

 

LINE THREE – CIRCLE WHERE THEY WENT WRONG

I disagree with your stance on

  1. the xenoestrogens put in the water by the Zionists and Sabbateans in government, all of whom are secretly black and transsexual
  2. your repeated refusals to nuke Amerikkka, thus ridding the third-world global south proles of us imperial core parasitez
  3. women’s rights, mainly your stance on women wearing pants and speaking in church
  4. your wrongheaded and downright twiztid reading of Bookchin, not to mention your refusal to partake in the squat’s regularly scheduled orgies
  5. the electromagnetic weapons you continue pointing at my house from the mattress store across the street
  6. Chairman Gonzalo’s bold efforts in leading the indigenous proletariat of Peru to a bright and noble future that could only be illuminated through the tripartite teachings of Marx, Lenin, Mao, with footnotes by big dog Chairman Gonzalo, RIP
  7. breast size in fighting games
  8. the age of consent

 

LINE FOUR – CIRCLE WHAT YOU’RE GONNA DO TO THEM

In short, I’m going to

  1. post pictures of myself fully kitted out in the Appalachian wilderness with all my buddies holding a severed goat’s head before being arrested by the FBI, who made up roughly half of the militia I was in
  2. tweet. Probably just tweet honestly I gave up on the pipebombs
  3. like and retweet photographs of nude men, not in a gay way, but in a way that appreciates their physique
  4. throw a milkshake at you if you’re ever in Seattle
  5. see a young girl carrying a red balloon and feel my Monarch programming kick in
  6. stay up ten minutes past my bedtime
  7. continue to fight for ethics in games journalism 
  8. avoid living within fifty meters of a school zone thanks to the government’s tyranny. I might move to the Philippines

 

LINE FIVE – CIRCLE WHAT THEY CAN DO TO STOP THIS

You can still save yourself by

  1. pledging your allegiance to James Mason, publicly condoning everything the Manson Family did, and conserving your vril energy by not having sex
  2. handing over the location of Virgil Texas
  3. converting to either the Russian Orthodox Church or becoming a “based” tradcath (and if female post feet)
  4. disavowing all of capital’s excesses by doing meth with me and my friends in an abandoned building until the cops kick us out or at least half of us get accused of rape, whichever comes first, honestly
  5. performing the set of hand signals that will deactivate me, allowing the police to come in and gun me down
  6. dedicating your life to Gonzalo and the abolition of all homework
  7. subscribing to my YouTube where I debunk Christianity, third-wave feminism, and call out SJWs
  8. learning the difference between pedophilia and ephebophilia

 

LINE SIX – CIRCLE YOUR CLOSING STATEMENT

Basically,

  1. read Siege
  2. read Settlers: Mythology of the White Proletariat
  3. read Bronze Age Mindset
  4. pretend to read Kropotkin
  5. help me I don’t want to do this
  6. “reading” is a social construct and irrelevant to the masses
  7. read r/KotakuInAction 
  8. okay so basically pedophilia is when you’re attracted to pre-pubescent kids, ephebophilia is when you’re attracted to teenagers, I’m sick of being called a pedophile by ignorant puriteens

 

LINE SEVEN – MAKE THE THREAT CREDIBLE

  1. mirror selfie of you, fully kitted out, wearing a skull face mask and wraparound sunglasses
  2.  
  3. picture of an obscure Hungarian bodybuilder that you’ve been passing off as yourself, nude, unaware that he also does gay porn
  4. video from your last bout of direct action where you clubbed a right-wing streamer over the head
  5. link to your Instagram which has more than enough warning signs, honestly
  6. revolutionary slogan spraypainted on a brick wall that you’re pretending was done ‘by the masses’
  7. picture of letter recipient’s house on Google Street View
  8. child pornography

 

LINE EIGHT – CIRCLE YOUR GOODBYE

  1. White power!
  2. Death to Amerikkka!
  3. Submit!
  4. Goodnight, right side!
  5. help
  6. Fuck you, mom!
  7. Ethics in game journalism uber alles!
  8. Sincerely, TheManlySkeptic