Cult Kid

We arrived in the town after six days of driving. My dad, my brothers, my mom, me, and my dad’s older boyfriend & younger boyfriend. All crammed in the car together. We swapped places occasionally so the cloth wouldn’t get too worn into our individual butt shapes.

Riding in the backseat was the best. It was turned in reverse and the roads got rewound like a VHS tape on 5x speed. I watched them disappear for hours until we got a hotel one night somewhere in Kansas, I think.

Oh wait, my dad’s younger boyfriend reminded me it was Missouri actually. I like him the best, you know. Now I’m back to writing this down.

It feels like we’re doing something special. Really really special. That’s why I feel like I need to write this all down. Just so you know.

I know it will be recorded by others, of course. In some big clothbound book. Maybe some of my words can find their way in. That’s all I hope for really. To be the someone on the sidelines who got a few words in.

I just want to be remembered is all.

§§§

The new town is mostly woods. There’s a main street that looks similar to the one in the town I was born in and we came from. This one’s got a McDonald’s though. One bite can’t contain a microchip right? I bet you have to eat the whole hamburger and maybe even some fries too for them to get it inside you. I hope to try it one day now that my dad lets me venture out on my own a bit more after my bleeding rite last week.

Dad’s younger boyfriend helped me through it. All the others make fun of him because he’s good at things like this, but I sure appreciated it.

Most of the new boys turned their heads. I’ve only gotten friendly with a few of them since we arrived here. They seem nice. All of them congratulated me afterwards and everything. I mean, this maybe does seem like a fine enough place for me to have my little girl.

God, I hope it’s a girl.

Dad’s younger boyfriend had to wear the leash all the time after helping me with my rite that day. Dad was embarrassed by how much he seemed to know about it all. Even if my dad said he could speak I think he’s already forgotten how to by now. I still think of him as a person. Even though the others keep telling me it’s best if I stop that.

§§§

The best part about moving here was me getting to go to the public school. My dad asked me about the kids there. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays is when I went.

Dad got me off Monday and Friday for my illness and my teachers never questioned it. But they do always try to catch glances of maybe seeing the rashes when I change into shorts during gym class. I’m not bothered by that. It’s something to be proud of my brothers tell me. We’re special people who get marked like this.

I met a boy on the sixth day of school and took that as a sign. He was new too.

Juvie is what the other kids called it. Kid jail. He’s been, they whispered to me in the shadowy places beneath trees during recess. I kicked a ball his way as an invitation to join our game one day and all the other kids scattered.

I’m not scary, just scared. He told me.

And I said I feel like that too. All the time really.

§§§

I told my dad’s younger boyfriend about my baby girl the day before he died.

I know it’s the point of moving and all, but I just felt like me making this girl with this juvie kid had to be kept a secret. This only felt safe with dad’s younger boyfriend. I always really did like him the best.

The cows have been stubborn and lazy with their milk in this new sticky summer heat. I used that as an excuse to stay in the barn a bit longer and talk with him.

His neck was ringed a deep purple from the collar. His body had the texture of a late summer leaf. One that has been left hanging in the white hot heat for months and is more than ready for the fall. Shrunken veins exposed themselves through his thin thin skin. He had remaining what barely resembled lips or a tongue.

When he finally spoke the words seemed to emerge from a deeply hidden place way inside of himself that he managed to keep untouched by the others.

“Not special.”

Is what came out of his mouth hole as I rubbed my belly in the heat.

“I’m not. And you aren’t either.”

Then he died.

And that’s when everything changed for me.