This piece is a response narrative for the Autofiction x Worldbuilding submissions call.  It was inspired by this Autofictional seed. For this call, we asked people to write a response to another author’s autofictional submission, based on the original piece and this bit of cryptic world lore.

This, and other Worldbuilding pieces are being published to a Wiki, which will allow contributors to edit, link, and otherwise annotate their work and that of their peers.

who /monster/ here?

>tfw bored as fuck on the night shift at the World Star Museum
>hands folded across my chest
>straight up eroding with boredom
>other guard here, fat 24 year old darkie, is telling stories to keep occupied
>most are bullshit
>funniest example is him saying someone named “Indiana Jones” broke in and tried to steal some remains
>he says he clocked the guy and was employee of the month, parking space and everything
>says all this between popping THC gummies 
>recounts how he couldn't taze Jones because he had a long ass bullwhip
>lmao who carries a bullwhip?
>couldn't move into taser range so he "did a backflip and landed behind him"
>fucking retarded story
>even as a transfer i know it’s bs
>starts talking about his "girlfriend"
>obvious he's talking about the petrified dryad on level 2
>just keeps repeating “petrified sluts give me wood” and “scaring the hoes”
>she died millenia ago
>she isn't his girlfriend
>she looks like she was old af before petrification
>he's a young guy
>gerontophile freak
>fuck this moron
>dude starts mocking how i'm standing
>saying "Wakanda Forever" and other stupid shit
>i'm a goblin, not a nigger
>i want to slap him bad
>he takes out his taser and is waving it around at random shit
>careless af
>disrespectful to do that in a museum
>disrespectful (and dumb) to do that anywhere
>bad trigger discipline
>he starts going off about his home life
>mortgage totally underwater
>seriously, some Atlantis shit
>divorced (his fault)
>totally unhappy with life
>8 kids
>by this point i don't give a shit at all
>he starts talking about stealing from one of the exhibits, the severed head of a chief
>pops another edible
>he's probably really high rn
>says "i bet i could take a piece of its ear"
>”it’s just a little piece who would notice?”
>"who gives a shit about some dead greenback anyway?"
>he’s like "i bet no one would even raise an eyebrow"
>i bet they would
>raise my eyebrow
>this totally exhausts me because I'm not fully awake yet
>he rubs his eyes 
>edible hitting hard, huh bro?
>”motherfuck” he says
>starts doing a rap
>something about "gettin mad greenbacks for a greenback"
>something about "gettin head from a greenback"
>he's not a even good rapper
>a few minutes later i see him going into the control booth
>he comes back and says "i just turned off the cameras" and does a little floss dance
>he leaves again
>comes back with display case master keys
>i can hear him working on the head exhibit in the other room
>is this guy for fucking real?
>wonder if he turned off the alarms too
>alarm sounds
>he didn't
>fucking idiot
>he comes back covered in sweat
>totally freaking out
>head in his hands
>alarm lights strobing
>sound of the alarm is like a rap beat
>boooaah whump, booooah whump
>my foot starts to tap to the beat
>then my legs wobble
>boooah whump
>hips shake a bit
>boooah whump
>dust from eons-old rags is flying everywhere
>mind fog is lessening 
>atrophy is lessening 
>heart full of rage
>my body is ready 
>he starts coughing and blinking his eyes
>he's saying "holy shit, holy shit"
>he's like "no way man, no way"
>fucking full-force CHUCKS the weed gummies across the room into a wall
>he’s trying to calm down and think but can’t
>winds up pissing himself
>other exhibits are waking up too
>i’m trying to think of something frightening to say
>wind up going with "I AM A KING OF OLD.  DO YOU THINK I REGARD YOU AS ANYTHING BUT AN EXPENDABLE PEON?"
>his pants are soaked
>every exhibit, even the taxidermied beavers, are now fully awake seeing this
>all eyes on him like he's Tupac
>boooah whump
>dude backs up to the wall and makes the sign of the cross
>lol lmao
>approach him quicker than he expects
>this ain’t no romero, son
>he tries to go for taser
>beaver pulls it out of the holster and bites it in half
>wouldn't do shit anyway 
>strangle him with my rags
>life flows out of his body
>i feel good
>James Brown except green instead of brown
>walk back to my open sarcophagus
>stand there while police storm building
>detective turns off alarm
>want to laugh but can't anymore
>sergeant sees the blood on my hands and wrappings
>doesn't care
>they wheel dude's body out
>he goes to a morgue somewhere
>probably one in the bad part of town
>who gives a shit
>janitors sweep up the dust
>ashes 2 ashes
>article about his death will quote museum burglary statistics
>higher each year, like human museum guards
>hire another one
>yawn
>love necrosecurity

/monster/