Vegan YouTubers vs. the Petting Zoo

The Announcement

Every lunch period, Ethan ate his soyrizo scrambles and paced around, flexing his biceps and leading the group in animal rights discussions. Nicolette often recorded herself eating her all-fruit lunch, maybe doing a few cartwheels. The footage would undoubtedly make its way to her YouTube channel, CarrotTopRaw. Sam sat against the little brick wall with her laptop, working on a zine that reviewed albums by vegan hardcore bands.
 
But on a certain Monday, things did not go as normal. During the period before lunch, when the teachers were supposed to play the Daily Bulletin Powerpoint. Only the teacher in Nicolette’s class turned it on, so Sam and Ethan didn’t see it. Among advertisements for Relay for Life and a pie-eating contest was a horrific sight.
  
“Coming 12/12! Cute petting zoo! See baby goats, sheep, chickens, and more!” 

Nicolette photographed the ad and sent it to Ethan and Sam.

“WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she texted.
 
The three met at lunch with somber eyes.
 
“We know what we have to do,” said Sam, throwing her fist into her palm. “We need to fight this to the ends of the earth. Sweet little animals are being squished in spiky cages and treading in their own waste. And it’s our responsibility to stop their captors. Nobody else will.” She paused for a moment. Then she screamed into the air at the top of her lungs.


The First Attempt
 
“Hello Principal Lyons. My friends and I would like to meet with you about a very important matter. Please propose a good time and we will be there. Sincerely, Ethan Osborne.” 
 
She didn’t reply to this nor the three follow-up emails, so Nicolette resorted to making an appointment at the front desk under a random name they lifted from the yearbook. As Principal Lyons expected “Ashley Watson” to walk into her office, she instead saw three teenagers who she had grown to dislike so much that even her husband knew every last detail.
 
“Well, if it isn’t the weakling trio!” she said, letting out a chuckle.
  
“The gorilla is the strongest mammal and it’s vegan,” pointed out Ethan.
 
“We don’t really appreciate the demeaning names,” said Sam. “We’re here regarding something very important.”
 
“I’m sure,” said Principal Lyons. The three sat down.
 
“Something terrible is happening,” said Nicolette, punctuating her sentences by taking bites from a rambutan fruit. “A petting zoo is coming to campus on December 12th!”
 
“Oh really?” said Professor Lyons. “That sounds delightful.”
 
“It’s not, though,” said Sam. “These animals are trapped in cages as they are transported from place to place, forced to tread in their own waste! They can’t even turn around!”
 
“I’m sure they are, Ms. Zhang. But don’t you want to hang out with cute, fluffy little sheep? I just might have to get out there myself.”
 
“Please,” said Ethan. “We’re begging you. Nobody takes us seriously. We’re trusting you, the principal of the entire school, to give the animals a voice. You’re the only one who can help.”
 
“My job is to manage students, not animals, Ethan.”
 
“Then do it for us!” he said. “This is our goal. Our battle. Our passion.” “My nighttime tears,” said Sam.
 
“Majority rules,” said Principal Lyons, slamming her hand on the desk. “I think most of our students would simply love to pet sweet, fluffy goats and sheep. So get out. I have important business to attend to.”
 
“No!” screamed Sam. “You don’t understand!”
 
The principal pressed a button on her desk. “Boys?” she said. “Take these crunchy hooligans away.”
 
Two security guards entered and the trio sulked out without any force required.

“Foiled!” said Ethan, as the three walked back to their lunch spot.

Sam was beginning to cry. “She thinks it’s so funny, the bastard! But they don’t know how it makes me feel! I’m not a joke! The slaughter of 123 million animals each year is NOT A JOKE!”
 
Nicolette put one arm around Sam while eating a persimmon with the other. “The world is an unbelievably cruel, horrid place. You have to keep your head high and know that you are doing all you can.” Sam wiped her tears away.
 
Suddenly, Danny Kellogg, president of the keto club, approached. He was built with lean muscle and a mop of tousled brown hair rested atop his head. He was wearing a t-shirt with a mutton leg on it.
 
“Well well well, isn’t it club anti-vax?”
  
“Proudly,” said Nicolette.
 
“Danny Kellogg!” gasped Ethan. “Will you ever pick up your cholesterol-filled agenda and push it somewhere else?”
 
“Not a chance,” said Danny. “ButterBrains has 35 members and counting! Sixteen people showed up to the last meeting!”
 
“Shut that mouth of yours, Danny,” said Ethan. “Your intellectual foundation is built on a bed of meat-based protein powder.”
 
“Like that time you told me that grass has more protein than beef?” said Danny. “Well,” said Ethan, “that’s simply the truth. It’s a little known fact, but grass has 50% protein.”
 
“I looked that little factoid up last time,” said Danny. “There’s a whole Wikipedia article on it. Most fruits and vegetables have under 5% protein. The most protein-rich plant is peanuts, at up to 28%. Meanwhile, moose game is 80% protein.”
 
“Wikipedia can’t be trusted,” said Nicolette. “It’s controlled by Big Food!”
 
“Is it you behind this petting zoo, Danny?” asked Sam. “Is it you that’s enslaving sweet young beings and forcing them to undergo brutal abuse by humans under the guise of ‘petting’?”
 
“I wish! I think it’s actually SAPS,” said Danny, referring to the Student Association for the Prevention of Sexual Violence. “#MeToo, while a highly positive revolution, is triggering for many. SAPS thought cuddling animals would help. And I’m inclined to agree!”
 
“Those cunts,” said Sam, wiping her eyes.
 
“I must be off,” said Danny. He waltzed into the distance.
 
“The nerve of that Danny,” said Ethan, sheltering the tearful Sam.
 
Nicolette folded her arms. “Since the first day I saw him, eating a beef jerky snack in the 5th grade, I knew he was bad news.”
 

That night, Ethan cracked his knuckles and sat down at his computer for his weekly video upload. His new vid was called “75 reps? Have I got mad? Nah, just a fit vegan.” He didn’t see the typo until after he uploaded and decided to leave it. He was hoping it would catch a decent amount of views because his last video had seen over 40,000. That video was a 10,000 calorie challenge in which he had eaten mostly prepackaged cupcakes along with some baked potatoes.
 
Ethan only had 6,000 followers. He spent a moment wondering if he should be as devoted to his YouTubing as Nicolette was. CarrotTopRaw had 50,000 followers and a host of diverse content. Just in the past month she had made videos with titles like “10 myths about eating disorders that you definitely didn’t know” and “ASMR tapping on coconut shell sexy relaxing chill vibes.” Recently Nicolette had started dating a guy she had met on Instagram named Caleb. He supposedly had 120,000 followers.
 
“He once dated SixteenApples!” Nicolette had said. SixteenApples had over a million followers and pretty much every woke vegan watched her. “All her followers made him feel emasculated. It’s better for him to have someone like me with less followers who lets him feel like a breadwinner. Vegan bread, of course.”
 
Ethan wondered whether his lower number of followers made him less attractive. It’s not like he wanted Nicolette as a loving companion, but sometimes he thought: if she asked him out, would he say yes?
 
He looked up Caleb, whose social media handle was FullMetalCarrot. He had a handsomely structured face and dreadlocks even though he looked white. He had a speckled tank with a screenprint of Ganesh on it, medium-sized plugs in his earlobes, and many bracelets and necklaces.

“My fruit friends,” said Caleb in his silky, deep, engaging voice. “Today we unite in this safe space for compassionate eating, a refuge from the ignorant ones—bless their hearts, truly—and celebrate kind food, being kind to our bodies, and being kind to the earth. Today we are going to follow the sacred ritual of food preparation, and, step by step, we will create and drink this smoothie I like to call Durian Oasis.” Ethan found himself sucked into Caleb’s subtle, graceful mannerisms. “And now we put in just a little scoop of this lovely lovely protein powder, Heart Compassion from HappyGut. This is available only through independent health consultants; link to my lovely friend Elise’s HappyGut ecommerce boutique below! And now we pour our beautiful, lovely granulated powder into this NutriShred blender equipped with microcut blades that spin on seven different motors. Let’s activate the Organic Energy Pulse setting. Oh yeah, mmm mmm, that’s the stuff.”
 
Ethan sunk into his seat a little. “You know,” he said to himself, “it’s not good to compare myself. Competition is a primitive human instinct from the hunter-gatherer days when we ate meat and clawed our way to reproduction. I am better than this!”

Ethan washed his face with all-natural cleanser and went to bed.
 

The Second Attempt
 
Ethan woke up the next morning to 16 messages. It seemed as though Nicolette and Sam had gotten together an hour ago for a spontaneous activism session. He drove to Sam’s house while sipping on a vegan protein shake.

Sam lived in a gated community called Whispering Clouds. Sam answered the door and they and went to one of the bonus rooms that Sam had designated her Creative Studio. Sam and Nicolette showed Ethan what they had so far as they snacked on some starfruits: it was a video alternating between Nicolette talking on a black background and cute petting zoo-type animals cooped up in trailers. It included comments such as “Petting zoo animals are often drugged like third-world trafficked children so they don’t lash out” and “Only you, Superintendent Binghamton, can stop this petting zoo atrocity!”
 
“Amazing work!” said Ethan. He recorded some voiceovers and talking head shots to contribute. After a few hours of grueling editing and a delicious homemade salad for lunch, they uploaded it to YouTube and emailed a link to the Superintendent, CCing 10 or so people including Principal Lyons, the president of SAPS, Danny Kellogg, and some random admin emails.
 
They only got two responses. One was from Danny Kellogg, who said “Get a life.” The other was from the SAPS president, who said “I can’t fucking believe this.”

“I knew emailing Sunitha was a bad idea,” said Ethan.
 
“Honestly a lot of sexual assault could be prevented if people got high off of amazing foods like melons and not alcohol,” said Nicolette.
 
“Watch what you say,” said Sam. “Alcohol is vegan after all. In fact, wine is raw!” 

“True.”
 

The Third Attempt
 
Nicolette sat at her vanity and opened her MacBook. While dining on a bowl of pomelos, she admired her laptop stickers in the mirror: a cow, a pig, and a chicken with a banner underneath reading “friends not food;” an avocado with a heart shaped pit; an udder with the text “not yo mamma not yo milka.” She went on Facebook and messaged Caleb.

Nicolette Athanasiou

Nobody replied! The Super doesn’t give a flying fruit about animal rights.

Caleb Knowles

Aw baby girl I’m SO sorry. You know have you ever thought of using the big loving power of your fans? Tell them to make a dif. Make a change in this misguided but well meaning world of cruelty. Tell them to send their message! If one voice can’t be heard, then bring on the bellows of the millions.

Nicolette Athanasiou

You have an amazing brain, my babe! What a gorgeous idea!

Nicolette opened her group chat with Ethan and Sam. 

Nicolette Athanasiou

Plan C is brewing and man does it feel like pineapple kombucha. Results soon.

Sam Zhang

You go grrrrl!

Ethan Osborne

Crush em like a coconut shell!

Nicolette opened Photo Booth. She recorded another plea, this time to her YouTube followers, asking them to contact Principal Lyons and beg with all their might to cancel the petting zoo. After uploading, she put some lavender essential oil in her diffuser and drifted into sleep.
 
She had Algebra II the next morning. Rick, the man on the golf cart with an ambiguous job, came in the room and called for her. He drove her to the principal’s office.
 
“Engaging in some radical activities, Nicolette?” 
 
“I’m fighting every day of my life for the good of the animals.”
 
Once in the office, Nicolette settled down in the chair across Principal Lyons and began snacking on a kumquat.

“Nicolette…”
 
“Yes, Principal Lyons?”
 
“Death threats, Nicolette?”
 
“Death threats?”
 
“I have people in my inbox telling me they want to decapitate me with a taffy pulling machine and put my head in a blender.”
 
“Um…I’m sorry…I promise I didn’t tell my fans to send death threats…some of my followers are just very passionate.”

“Enough, Nicolette. I already had to change my email. You’re suspended for two weeks. If your friends kick up any more dirt, they’ll meet the same fate.”
 
“Fine,” said Nicolette, who then stormed out of the office.
 
 
 The Fourth Attempt
 
The next day at lunch, only Ethan and Sam met up for lunch.
 
“I miss her,” said Sam, “but I know she’s doing the right thing.”
  
“A small martyrdom for our noble cause,” said Ethan. “Should we keep trying?” 

“Vegans never say die,” said Sam. “We’ve got to fight to our last breath.”
 
“Say, I was thinking the other night: what if we didn’t pressure them to take down the petting zoo…what if they had to?”
 
“What, like a bomb threat?”
 
“I was thinking that, but they’d suspect us.”

“Maybe someone could be allergic to the sheep?”
 
“I like that idea, but it would have to be someone that’s not us.” 

“We could pay them.”
 
After a lunch discussion along with a group chat that night, a new plan was born. They found themselves wondering why they had never come up with something this brilliant before. They were going to locate a poor-looking person and pay them a good sum of money—they debated over the amount, settling on $75. This person would then go to Principal Lyons, claim they had a severe goat allergy, and subtly threaten to sue. After discussing numerous options, they settled on a girl named Sierra in Sam’s painting elective.
 
“She wears the same jacket every day and owns a PC!” said Sam.
 
“Perfect,” said Ethan. They cornered her after school and grilled her on her dietary preferences, and while she was not intentionally a vegetarian, she often avoided meat because she didn’t like the taste.
 
“I mean sure, I guess I can do it,” she ended up saying. “Can you make it $100?”
 
“Eighty-five,” said Sam firmly.
 
“Well, when do I get my money?”
 
“After you’ve talked with the Principal.”
 
“Deal.”
  
They saw Sierra again the next day.
 
“Sierra!” said Ethan in an overly friendly voice. “What’s the scoop?”
 
“The lady was pretty skeptical. She asked if I knew someone named Nicolette.” 

“She’s a nobody,” said Sam.
 
“Well?” asked Ethan. “Are they fulfilling your urgent request?” 

“Not exactly,” said Sierra. “Lady says I need a doctor’s note.” 

“That can be arranged,” said Sam.
 
Ethan and Nicolette met up that afternoon at Sam’s house, since she had Adobe Creative Cloud for making animal rights zines. After some clicking and dragging, font downloading, and debating over the most “doctory” colors, they had themselves a note. For extra realism, they used the name of Nicolette’s stepdad’s GP. For good measure, they put Ethan’s cell phone number on the document. He was almost certain he had never disclosed it to the school.
 
The trio emailed the notes to FedEx Office and Sam went alone to pick them up later. They had ordered fancy paper, and a quick touch revealed it to be supple and buttery; perfect for a wedding invitation. The woman at the counter didn’t blink.
 
Sam got home and changed into her soft cotton pajama bottoms and giant camp shirt from two years ago. She opened her MacBook and checked at all the PETA social media. She went to some of her favorite Facebook groups and found new videos of seals being clubbed. She then sent them in private messages to random people she knew.
 
“I just wanted to share this with you to let you know that animals are being senselessly tortured for our mindless benefit every day. Watch and pass on. Stay woke.” The response to these messages varied. Some didn’t reply; some unfriended her. Some said “Sam, really?” and some thanked her for spreading the message. A few were actually interested. Sam didn’t really care about their response. The adage all publicity is good publicity had always resonated with her. She had almost gotten a stick-n-poke of it last summer, but decided to go with one that said FIGHT IN PLACE OF THE WEAK.

She went to the kitchen and made herself a glass of chocolate soymilk; her favorite. She worked on her vegan hardcore punk zine and listened to Cattle Decapitation on low volume before going to sleep at 3 AM.
 

The next morning before class, Ethan and Sam handed three copies of the fake note to Sierra in a plastic folder.
 
“Is this doctor even real?” she asked.
 
“As a matter of fact, he is,” said Ethan. He prayed that Professor Lyons wouldn’t call. He really wasn’t ready for this. Sam calmly sat through her classes, knowing the burden was all on Ethan. His phone rang the period after lunch and he dashed outside. Luckily he didn’t have to detour to take the bathroom pass. It had a leather strap on it, and for this reason the teacher had granted him exemption at the beginning of the year.
 
“Hello?”
 
“Hello, is this the office of Dr. Sutton?” The voice was clearly Principal Lyons. 

“Yes. This is he.”
 
“Hi, this is Kathleen Lyons from San Dieguito Academy in Encinitas. I’m calling to confirm a note I received of a goat allergy for one of your patients named Sierra Gibb.”
 
“Yes!” he said, his voice catching a bit in his windpipe. “I wrote that note just yesterday. She is extremely allergic to goats and must remain far from them at all costs.”
 
“Very well, then. Well, I’ll let you get back to your work!”
 
“And I’ll let you get back to your work, you very, very important principal.” The moment the words came out of his mouth, he regretted them. Luckily, she hung up right after that. He took a detour to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face.
  

That afternoon, the group heard from Sierra on Facebook. 

Sierra Gibb

Lyons said she’d “accommodate me swiftly”

Sam Zhang

Cool, but I’m really jealous They don’t do shit for us

Ethan Osbourne

Stay positive, Sam

The Protest
 
The petting zoo was only two days away. The posters were still up the day before, but the Ethan and Sam figured the sign taper-uppers (whoever the hell those were) just didn’t have the time to take them down. The ad still appeared on the Daily Bulletin Powerpoint, although Ethan and Sam did not see it because only Nicolette’s teacher played it every day.
 
The two did not expect to see the petting zoo at lunch on December 2nd, but there it was, behind a Hazmat tent. A sign nearby read:
 
Fun petting zoo behind allergen-proof safety tent!

Sam messaged Sierra on Facebook: 

Sam Zhang

WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL US THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN????

Sierra Gibb

I just did what you said to do. I’m not obligated to do anything else.

Sam Zhang

Flaming cunt

Students flocked to the tent; through the clear plastic windows they could be seen taking selfies.
 
“We have to act!” yelled Sam. “We have to fucking protest! Those animals are in danger!” 

“Quick! To the art room!”

The two quickly created posters inside one of the studios. Sam’s read “THEY STEP IN THEIR OWN SHIT WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING” and Ethan’s read “Don’t give wages to proponents of cages!” They ran back to the tent, held up their signs, and chanted.
 
“Don’t give wages to proponents of cages! Don’t give wages to proponents of cages!” The two had decided that it rolled off the tongue better than what Sam’s sign said.
 
Students stopped and ogled, some rolling their eyes or taking videos. Danny Kellogg stopped by with what looked like over 30 people, laughed, and went in the tent. Sunitha was nearby, encouraging other students to stay away from the protest. Ethan and Sam struggled on, something they’d learned from attending various other protests (Sam had also once taken a workshop called Vegan Protest Masterclass). They even spotted Sierra walking in.

“You’re a cunt! A flaming cunt!” yelled Sam.
 
“Thanks for the money!” Sierra yelled back. “I just got some new headphones!” 

Sam fell to the ground, rolled around, and screamed.
 
“Ouch, ouch, that hurts! You ripped the wool from my back, you tore my skin, you imprisoned me in a cage. I roll in my own feces. You took the joy from my life, you stepped on my soul, you treated me like worthless dirt. Now I scream, scream so you can hear me, expunging the dying light in my soul so you can know how I’ve suffered!”
 
Ethan FaceTimed Nicolette, who had flown to Seattle to see Caleb during her suspension. “Things are going great over here!” Ethan said, displaying Sam’s performance. “We’re really making an impact.” Nicolette and Caleb were lounging in a hanging nest chair, a tropical plant garden blooming in the background. They were nuzzling closely and wearing matching neon green t-shirts reading Seattle Plant-Based 5k.

“I’m elated!” said Nicolette. Fight for me, my durian darlings!”
 
“You can do this, friends,” said Caleb, breaking out his animated gestures. “I am sending boatloads of light and energy your way. I know you can fight the powers that be, and triumph against all that is evil. I also recommend that next time around you pre-order my dear friend Jess’s Protest In A Box Kit, available on a link through my website, fullmetalcarrot.com. Peace out, my brother and sister. Shine with all the heart in your soul.”
 
Sam and Ethan protested the whole lunch period. Most of the passerbys entered the tent but a few discussed the signs with their friends and walked away, something that the duo saw as a major victory. At the end, a petting zoo employee approached them.
  
“I go to work to feed my family every day, and I get treated like this. I do not appreciate you. At all.”
 
Sam replied, “Yeah, but is it MEAT you’re feeding them? If so, you’re worthless scum and deserve to rot in an unmarked grave.”

 
Four Months Later
 
It was a sunny day in May, and Sam and Nicolette shared a jackfruit-and-durian skewer at lunch. Ethan approached them.
 
“I have good news!”
 
“What is it?” the other two asked.
 
“I’ve just been accepted to Naropa University’s Vegan Studies program!”
 
“OH MY GOD!” the others screamed. They jumped up and danced in a circle holding hands. They sang their favorite vegan chant:
 
“Ring around the rosie / Pocket full of animal products / Cancer, heart disease / We all fall down!” They fell hard onto the ground and laughed.
 
“I’m totally applying next year,” said Nicolette. “I heard that they’re going to make a concentration for making YouTube content. It would be so catered to my interests!”
 
“It’s true! And I’ll be concentrating in the history of the animal genocide, with some of the core classes taught by Professor GrapeWhiteShark!”
 
“You know, you’ve really been a hero to me. I think you deserve a rewarding college education,” said Nicolette.
 
“People will take you so seriously!” said Sam. “These high schoolers don’t know shit. You’ll make a huge impact out there.”
 
“Thank you, my friends,” said Ethan. “I sure hope so. It’s always a long and hard road being a vegan activist, but it’s worth it.”

The three hugged and shared their fruit and lentils out of glass Tupperware. Nicolette set up the tripod and filmed their lunch—as they all knew, this news was prime, and it would be attracting a lot of views on YouTube.