#triggered

a girl behind me on facetime:
“i have like, such PTSD 
from that awful salad 
that dead thyme”

i squeeze my reusable bag 
five pill scripts inside
throat inflamed, sweat uncaged
fluorescent lights swirling white 

 i am i
i am
 still
still alive.

it’s here on time,
blurred past filmed 
always wins over sight
black and white tiles

black and white
red all over
sink water running,
her eyes on the floor

in the CVS line

Withdrawal

get out! of--                         bed-         -buy your meds ---
with grocery money---        chosen ---     call your doctor--  which
aisle hides --    pharmacy line---    iPhone shake --        can you
hear me?--         handshake iPhone-- dimensions of
--tr--y--  i-- ng – what time   -- they stare at my shaking ---
speeding concrete--          fluoride time-- window dizzy ----     feel
them staring      --- pause -- did i leave the house?    ---- dissect
what time---      sky judgment ---            also buy –insecticide ---
strained neck ---      eaten? ---     heavy head---      appropriate? --
dry tongue --     bleeding gums ---   cleaning --        made to clean
-- where is the line I stand in -     -- what time is the line --
my posture--       buckled-- AM or PM?             --- forced pandering--
instructional being--           is this the line? ---AM--  flailing--
legs ---   full daylight poking- -      cadaver --     inspect-icide --
are the---                   AM already, --are--nothing but misdiagnoses--
first I teetered   ---into--            those meds-35—pounds-abilify
sweat--    Inconclusive--    hope--       has limits, even recovery
program, even             -- people - have -- people have limits
--can't be—I can't—you--            expected to ---      keep 
a-w-ay- -                 pray-- one hand upon --        clip art
quotations --     meshugganah--turn away--      spend three quiet
days--preparing to be--         acceptable --   for public
consumption--          ignore myself -- to get on      --This bus, all
for one        appointment--            therapy cannot define a brain but
they do so ---         it fits on a page  -- insane to this –crazy--
that's --  just how it is--     I bring you --     this piece of paper 
same time each month--proving--           my brain--       to You, the
person--   Looking --     at me-- like that--   "there's two -- days
before the 30th--I can't"—Would you--           look at my face-

The Ground Made of Dust that was Anne’s Right Fist

 
oh ghost my favorite Beatrice stolen nazi seaside mist somewhere between our Budapest and the ground made of dust that was Anne’s right fist where are your shoes your son Beatrice everyone needs a nap now ok? then no one would even know Anne from Bea you from me carousels from bumble bees the color green on iphone screens nobody would care to see would care to breathe the powers of horror for free