The Hollywood Saturnalia Shuffle, Co-Starrin’ Carmen Haze

Here’s a story ‘bout a fella
—Goes by Whitey, don’t ya’ know?—
Used to be all kinds o’ happy
Workin’ as a C.E.O.,
But now folks, I’m here to tell ya’
Thangs weren’t nothin’ like they seemed
With that mo-fo dressed mo’ snappy
Than you suckas ever dreamed.

See, ol’ Whitey cruised the ghettos
Coppin’ crack ‘n’ chasin’ cooze,
With ‘is limo slowly rollin’
Down them darkened avenues
Where those ladies in stilettos,
Stockin’s snakin’ ‘long their legs,
Made them sidewalks they be strollin’ 
Hot enough fo’ fryin’ eggs.
 
Now, once Whitey tol’ ‘is chauffeur,
“Pull on over, would ya’, Jeeves?”
While he dropped ‘is tinted window
Down a smidgen—if ya’ please—
Peekin’ out jus’ like some gopher
On them thongs ‘n’ bustiers,
‘Til this sweet thang cast ‘er shadow
By the name o’. . . Carmen Haze. 
 
There she stood, that Queen o’ Midnight
Wearin’ nothin’ but a grin
An’ a creamy, charmeuse nightie
Shimm’rin’ ‘gainst ‘er choc’late skin,
Like some candy sto’ by moonlight
Lurin’ in each droolin’ eye
Of a devil—name o’ Whitey!—
With a taste fo’ whoopee pie.

So, our hero said, “Yo honey,
Wanna come ‘n’ smoke some crack?”
While po’ Jeeves jus’ sat there starin’,
Watchin’ as they talked in back,
‘Til she slipped ol’ Whitey’s money
With a giggle down ‘er top,
Sayin’, “Sugah, youse be sharin’
All yo’ goodies wid a cop!”
 
Now, did I fo’get to mention
Once po’ Whitey had a spouse,
‘Cause ya’ know, he sho’ be bummin’
Once she f-ed ‘im fo’ his house,
While he spent ten months detention
Pickin’ up some brotha’s soap,
All fo’ nights he wasted slummin’,
Hustlin’ hoes, an’ smokin’ dope.
 
As fo’ Jeeves, thangs turned out groovy
Spendin’ mornins by the pool,
Sexin’ Whitey’s ex- ol’ lady
While the kids be off at school,
Sayin’, “Yow!  Life’s like a movie
Where da’ endin’ sho’ be good,
When yo’ sista, slick ‘n’ shady,
Works dem streets o’ Hollywood.”
 
Well now folks, so ends our story
On that happy, little note,
‘Cause what words could I finagle
Toppin’ that there brilliant quote,
‘Cept to close this allegory
‘Bout ol’ massah’s losin’ ways
Givin’ props to my boy, Hegel,
Plus the starlet . . . Carmen Haze.

   

The Trouble with Cindy Jo

Used to work at Whiskey Mart,
       Hey now, baby, hey now.
Lost my job there—plus my heart—
       Hey now, baby, hey now.
See, ol’ Cindy Jo walked in
Showin’ off all kinds o’ skin—
‘Nough to make this ol’ boy grin,
       “Hey now, baby, hey now.”
 
Had this piercin’ through ‘er tongue,
       Uh huh, baby, uh huh.
Thought she looked a little young,
       Uh huh, baby, uh huh.
Still, she flashed me her i.d.,
Sayin’, “See? I’m 23!”
“Well,” I said, “that’s fine with me,
       Uh huh, baby, uh huh.”
 
Met ‘er after work that night,
       Ooh yeah, baby, ooh yeah.
Dashboard cast its glowin’ light,
       Ooh yeah, baby, ooh yeah.
Cast it on ‘er smokin’ bod’
While I groaned, but hel’ my—
‘Til she up ‘n’ cried, “O God!
       Ooh yeah, baby, ooh yeah.”
 
Dropped ‘er at ‘er trailer door,
       “‘Night ‘night, baby, ‘night ‘night.”
Pa’ stepped out, an’ looked real sore,
       “‘Night ‘night, baby, ‘night ‘night.”
Tossed a punch at him . . . an’ missed!
So, I tossed my other fist—
But, that only got pa’ pissed,
       “‘Night ‘night, baby, ‘night ‘night.”

Woke the next day in a cell,
       What the, baby, what the?
Head was poundin’ hard as hell,
       What the, baby, what the?
Cop said, “Johnny, donchya’ know 
Yo’ too ol’ fo’ Cindy Jo?”
While I answered, “Frickin’ whOa—
       What the, baby, what the?”                     
 
Now I sing them jailbait blues,
       Mmm hmm, baby, mmm hmm.
Them damned ol’, low-down, jailbait blues,
       Mmm hmm, baby, mmm hmm.
Sing ‘bout how I lost my heart
—Plus my job at Whiskey Mart!—
While my worl’ all fell apart,
       Mmm hmm, baby, mmm hmm.