(you should absolutely view the .txt version of this post instead of this lame, wordpress formatted one)

this is a game where you shoot up your high school.

to play, you first need to steal the professor’s chronometer.
don’t ask how we did it. my friend Jesse definitely isn’t the professor’s son. he definitely didn’t put a bullet in his dad.
also don’t ask why we didn’t just use it to go back in time and fix our shitty lives. that’s irrelevant.

you also need friends. at least 2 others if you want a good competition. this is probably the hardest thing to get.

you also need a school and some people you hate!!! fuckkk those bastards!! write a shit list so you don’t forget who to blow away (you won’t forget, but write it anyway)

after you steal the chronometer, well, use it. set the “when” to whenever you want to go to. you should be able to set it to automatically rewind after a certain period, which you can also set. don’t be dumb and forget to do this, or you might get fucked. oh, and also have everyone take an eyetap and put it on (our chronometer came with 3). set it to “persist”. this should record things you see so you can play them back after you rewind.

use it to get guns:

-you won’t even need to kill your parents (we didn’t)
-it took us like 3 or 4 tries to get my dad’s ar-15 off the gun rack without him seeing us, but we just memorized his patrols and waited.
-if your a violent motherfucker and don’t wanna use stealth, just shoot your parents and take the guns. if your mom makes it to the breakfast nook, picks up the phone and calls the police, rewind and do it again.

use it to get a sweet car:

-down the block there’s this big black guy with a porsche 911. he’s probably a drug dealer since most of them are. he’s jacked as fuck. the first time i went up to him and said “hey nigger, give us your car” and he knocked me out. rewind. the second time we tried, i sucker punched him, then he pulled a gun and shot me through the chest. rewind. the third time, we tried asking nicely, just for the hell of it. he said “fuck you”. rewind. the fourth time we just shot him with the AR while he was talking to his girlfriend.
-if your a niggerlover or just real honest, you can ask the parents to borrow the car too. but fuckkk that!

use it to test your bombs:

-at columbine, they made a bunch of bombs to blow the cafeteria sky high. none of them worked.
-do it a bunch of times so you know where to shoot the propane tanks to make them blow up.
-test out those pipebombs and do it RIGHT!!!
-seriously even a retard can do this with a chronometer

use it to (stevie) case the joint:

-walk into your school and stroll around. you don’t have to go to class when you have a fucking chronometer, so if the hall monitor says anything, just show her your glock. stupid bitch.
-memorize the layout of the school real well. i mean, if its your school you probably already know it.
-if you want to, make a .wad of the building and walk around it as doomguy. this is a good way to memorize shit.
-just walk the halls doing whatever the fuck you want, since you can just rewind aftewards

at some point PLAY THE FUCKING GAME

so this is how we did it.

set the chronometer to rewind in 1 hour. you’ve got that long to fuck the whole school up.

make sure you’ve got enough harddrive space on the chronometer to save everybody’s replays. we torched a bunch of the professor’s home movies– lame shit like him fucking his dead wife — and that gave us more than enough room.

scoring:

*a definite kill is 10 points. i’m talking heads blown apart, brains on the floor, 5 shots to center mass, chest blown open so you can see their heart stop beating. etc etc etc.

*an injury is 1 point.

*killing anyone on the shit list is an additional 100 points.

*shooting it out with police is extra points. like, 50 for each pig shot is good probably.

NO REWINDS DURING THE HOUR.

do this once for each friend and then compare scores by watching the footage on the eyetap.

eventually, your chronometer will break down like it did for us.

when that happens, change the rules a little bit.

scoring is the same but…

*…now you can also glitch shit!!!

–sometimes the broken chronometer will start to bend reality so that like, walls/floors aren’t solid. the professor called it “quantum tunnelling” or some faggot shit. we just call it badass. remember IDCLIP? it’s just like that. one minute your inside the level, the next your seeing doubles, tripples, quadruples of the last thing you saw, swirling around like some kind of weird painting. if you see that, keep walking until you walk back through another wall and into the school.
—use this to your advantage. use it to lock doors on people, then go right through them when you need to!! don’t chase that jock faggot who’s faster than you anyway. just cut him off by walking through a wall.

–sometimes bullets will glitch too.
—i’ve seen them split off and turn into two, three, or even 10 bullets.
—sometimes they’ll go faster, other times they’ll stop right in midair. freaky

when you can walk through walls, you can kill a lot more people, so step it up. see who’s the best at killing.

it’ll take waaaay less than 1 hour to destroy the whole school. see who’s fastest. SPEEDRUN!!!!

doing tricks with the glitching is pretty sweet, almost like some Tony Hawk reverse ollie wheelie popping chicken wing, or whatever the fuck it’s called. see who’s the most stylish.

after enough rewinds, every additional one will make things more and more fucked up.

–sometimes the chronometer will forget what time it is. no, seriously.
—at one point, we were shooting people from the 1970s because it rewound without us touching it. i think i killed my dad (again).

don’t bother keeping score at this point. we aren’t, and we’re still having a blast.

this game is awesome because it’s infinitely replayable, like doom. that feeling when you look through the eyetap at something you’ve never seen before, but ITS YOU DOING IT is like waking up on an april morning and learning that there’s been another copycat spree killing. fucking cool

the professor used to tell Jesse that “misuse” of the chronometer could fuck the world up. like, make black holes and shit. so i guess that’ll happen eventually. we didn’t plan on surviving anyway, so that’s cool!

he also said that each use of the chronometer creates new universes blah blah something. well. if your in a universe where you still have a working chronometer, you can play this game. if not, too bad i guess