Sneaky Lead Paint Baby: Adventures in Hot Dog Land… 

Once upon a time, there was a little baby who lived in a small shack in a big city. People called her Sneaky Lead Paint Baby because, one day, she crawled outside and went down to a big apartment building and started eating paint chips. She sat in a corner of the lobby, eating red and yellow paint chips, and pretty soon it looked like she was covered in ketchup and mustard with a pool of lead paint all around her due to the enormous amount of times she had vomited over the years. Then one day, the mean old City Inspector came by and said, Excuse me Mr. Landlord, but why is there a little baby sitting in your lobby eating lead paint? And the landlord said, That’s not my baby – evict it! The Fire Marshall and the Landlord had to come in with a jackhammer to chisel the sneaky baby out of the lobby floor, where she had become entrenched in a pool of lead. They didn’t know what to do with Sneaky Lead Paint Baby after she was freed, so they dumped her on the beach at Coney Island. She was happy on the beach for awhile, laughing at the sun and gurgling up ketchup and mustard paint – until she got hungry, that is. Since there was no lead paint on the beach at that time, only sand, the little baby started eating hot dogs. Sneaky Lead Paint Baby didn’t have any money, but the hot dog vendor discovered her to be an irresistible attraction to potential customers because of the way she could eat. She could eat hot dog after hot dog without pause because her stomach had become so swollen with paint chips and her senses so dulled from lead, that she could never tell when enough hot dogs were enough. On one bustling Independence Day, the hot dog vendor was feeling extraordinarily competitive, so he put Sneaky Lead Paint Baby up on a pedestal in the middle of the boardwalk and started announcing to the passerby with a megaphone about how very many hot dogs the little baby could eat. Soon, a crowd gathered around and they started hooting and hollering about the crazy hot dog eating baby. A very punctual looking man took out his pocketwatch and shouted, Dagnabit, this actually might be a ding dong world record, and he started counting just how many hot dogs the little baby could eat in a span of 10 minutes. Seventy-four! Seventy-four hot dogs in 10 minutes, the man shouted. That must be some sort of dong dim world record! So, although the sneaky little baby only had the intellectual capacity of a four year old, she was crowned Hot Dog Eating Champion of the World. A reporter from a local newspaper ran up to snap her photo and said, What’s your name, you sneaky little baby? And the little baby said, Nathan.