Podcast People

The masturbators prep their organs; the podcast has yet to play. Greasy sweat congeals into veins atop their skin, and their dead eyes gape open like popped blisters. The opening jingle begins. Undisciplined disciples in the Grand Circlejerk hoot and holler, ripping skin from their arms and drooling in anticipation. They are shushed, and projected upon the screen is a dingy room with torn and discolored furniture.

Every episode opens thus: an open shot of the bedroom, blinds pulled over, dirty clothes stuffed into an otherwise empty bookshelf, and a bare mattress. The jingle dissipates into canned applause and it begins.

The guest host of this episode will be The Knower. The masturbators are unaware of this man except from prior podcasts, but he is well respected in certain damp and gloomy corners of the Global Mycelium.

As always, a microphone is set in place by The Mother. Has she been getting enough sleep? She works slowly, and is shaking a little. A hand dismisses her, and she stumbles away with a somnambulist’s gait. Her son appears from the shadows, eyes staring unblinkingly at the camera. His face is expressionless. Cheeto-stained fingers abuse the keyboard of a laptop, and a distorted, cloying siren signifies that The Knower has been summoned to Skype.

“Hello again, Lucky! It’s an honour, as always,” says The Knower. His hair is reminiscent of seaweed on a beach, and his round, amorphous face is practically featureless. He fiddles with his glasses as an awkward silence passes.

Lucky snaps his fingers, and his mother stutters an apology. She comes back into view of the camera, breathing heavily.

“L-Lucky would like to welcome you once again to The Only Podcast at the Heart of the World! He’s excited to talk about today’s topic!”

On the other end of the SkypeTM call, The Knower pulls out an enormous stack of papers. “Thank you Lucky,” he says, then clears his throat.

“Glue. Spider web. Umbilical cords. How are these connected?”

He pauses for dramatic effect.

“Yes that’s right, they are connected. Today’s topic is Connection. One viewer asked if connection could ever be a bad thing.”

He screws up his face, glasses threatening to fall off. “The answer is no.”

Lucky stirs on the left half of the projector. With dramatic flourish, he stretches his mouth open wide. His mother winces as she moves the camera closer. His gaping maw in full view, the projector displays an impressive mass of mashed-up cheetos, swimming in a pool of spittle.

The audience breaks into feverish laughter and applause. Some shake and dance, ecstatic. 

Others even begin to fit, their limbs flailing around and heads thudding off of one another. But the podcast is just beginning.