This piece is an autofictional seed for the Autofiction x Worldbuilding submissions call. It inspired this other piece.

Misery Autofiction

I don’t think I quite realized how out of my mind I was when I signed up for this mission. I only get these clarity flashes where I can hold all versions of me for brief moments. Seriously. Such a fragile design. Adaptable, sure, but so irritatingly fragile. Whoever thought living in a personal atmosphere made of multi-colored mirrors was a good plan? My skin suit is even coated in these tiny mirrors. Between reflections, prisms, and constant information, it’s all I can do to keep my head on straight. For the briefest of breath-held moments, I can hold my body just right, calm my thoughts just so, and I can see those infinite matching reflections and make out the bigger picture. Unfortunately, being in this form does not always lend to flexibility nor controlled emotions, despite the advertisements we received! It would be irresponsible, really, to just turn us loose with such limited ability to manage ourselves. Yet here we are.

I’m not positive, but I think there are other people in this world for the same reason. I don’t think I’m the only one. That, or I’ve been tricked by these neurochemicals (tricky messengers, they are!) for long enough that I’m fabricating notions of community, of oneness. Even if I am…it’s the part I hate least about this disjointed mission. I have to give this world some credit – it is pretty easy to believe in magic while you’re here.

If you have the privilege of creating space for you to really see such magic! Being in this form, it’s like having to tie and untie a blindfold to see through the flashing lights and loud messages everywhere. So easy to miss the subtleties when you’re just trying to survive existing. This construct is raw, and nervous, and if I’m not diligent at processing my decays, I’ll spiral into a shocking, paralyzing, dizzying void blob. I think the beings call it anxiety. I do not care for it. I used to trust myself, I think, before this mission. I can’t quite remember…but I can feel it sometimes.

Like my intuition wishes to give birth to form, and to create, and I know I can, but not now, not yet. For whatever reason, though, I have not informed the rest of me why I must question, and hide, and self-sabotage. Control is not so precious, yet, again, here we are, craving control. I’d like to say it’s purely out of self-preservation, but it’s more than that. A taste we don’t have a word for, but it flavors the air at times. Like a magnet, the beings here notice the pull when something delicious is in the air, just waiting to be discovered. Temptation drips down my spine like sweat, cooling my mind but in the wrong ways. What I truly crave is a soothing balm of silence, of peace. Sounds like something one of their snake oil charlatans would flaunt.

I don’t know what to do when I’m pulled in all directions, like I’ll just burst into dozens of those tiny dandelion seeds. I think it could be for the best, sometimes. Then I could grow all of me separately, and nurture and prune as needed. Instead, I’m trapped in a constant storm of fireworks and rain. Just lovely, but not in excess; that much beauty and power require adequate negative space to blossom.

That’s what I’m lacking, I think! Some negative space. There’s so much of me, and the senses, and the world to think about and carry, that it’s overtaken me. That’s why I contort myself into funny shapes just to feel at ease. I don’t know what I can really do about that though. Letting go and shedding in this form is much more complex than I’d ever dreamed.

I came here because I knew I was up to the challenge, and I wanted to see what was possible if we dared to just try. I just didn’t know what I had bargained for, and it is apt. It’s all I can do to take a breath without losing myself more. I suppose their breath is their main key for unlocking such space within themselves. There must be other keys, but how does one find a key when they don’t even know what sort of key they are searching for? I guess anything that fits. Good. Not too vague of a conclusion for today is it? Ugh. I have to start somewhere.

Problems to solve for another hour, it appears. I’ve been here for too long; time to hop back on the carousel. I just hope I’ll remember some of this tomorrow, and tomorrow again. Until then, I guess I’ll try my best to enjoy this big, beautiful light show in our skies, when I have a chance to drink it in.