It’s that pesky time of year again, the time of year when trick-or-treaters come knocking at your door, when cavities run rampant, and when you’re most likely to be horrifically murdered [citation needed]. If you don’t want to end up nailed to a wall with your insides lit up like a pumpkin, you’ve come to the right place, because I’m here to walk you through this precarious time. You can even refer to me as your savior if you want. I won’t argue.

Let’s begin by identifying potential victims. You might think that everyone is a potential target for your neighborhood knife wielder, but you’d be wrong. If you check more than one of the following boxes, then keep reading, because you’re probably going to have your intestines tied around your neck if you don’t.

• Rich or upper middle class folks. If you’re poor, then you honestly don’t need to go any further. Serial killers don’t care about poor people. No one cares about poor people.
• Boobs. If you have boobs, you might want to tuck them away. Serial killers love a good pair of knockers, but not in a sexual way. They just want to sink their giant, steely knives in between them. We’re living in a sexist world, my friends.
• Teenagers. Let’s be honest, no one likes you, and any decent serial killer is going to make a b-line for your house. That’s just how life works, kiddo.
• Sexy time. If you plan to have sex on Halloween, don’t. Serial killers are highly opposed to the primal act of sex and want to punish all you sinners out there. That and they just don’t like people enjoying themselves.         That being said…
• Virgins. Don’t think you’re safe simply because you haven’t bumped uglies. Serial killers hate sex so much that they want to ensure even virgins never get the chance to drop their trousers. I know, life just isn’t fair.
• Cats and dogs. If you’re a household pet, you might want to think about running away for a few days. Serial killers know how much humankind adores you, which automatically makes you one of their favorite victims. If you’re something more insignificant, however, such as a hamster or a bird, you can just sit back and watch as your owners are butchered.

Now that we’ve established the likelihood of your impending death, we can move on to prevention. It’s always better to think ahead when it comes to not being murdered.

• Sleep through that shit. Unless you’re being dream-stalked by Freddy Krueger, you have a much higher chance of survival if you’re in a coma or blacked out. Serial killers want to strike terror in their victims, and they’re not going to get very far with that if you’re in a constant state of REM.
• Go on vacation. We already know that you’re well-off, and if you’re a teenager, we can assume your parents aren’t around much and you basically live in a mansion by yourself. Sometimes people mistake you for an orphan, but that’s just because your folks are either abroad or hiding in closets all year long. Why not join them in their adventures this time? Serial killers are going to be far too busy brutalizing your friends to follow you across the ocean. You may be down a few friends when you return, but at least your organs will be intact. Oh, and you’ll have a sweet tan to boot. There’s really no losing.
• Go to prison. While this isn’t guaranteed to keep you out of a serial killer’s clutches, you’re at least giving yourself a 40/60 chance of survival. Also keep your crime in mind: don’t go too far, but don’t be too petty. Find a happy blend of the two, such as getting drunk and peeing outside a Taco Bell while eating a stolen burrito.
• Homeschool. Serial killers won’t have any idea that you exist. In fact, no one does. You don’t have friends and you never go outside, so this killing spree will have very little impact on you, assuming you’re even aware of it at all.
• Armor. Sure, you’ll move slowly, and you’re probably too weak to fight back, but serial killers won’t be able to penetrate your hard exterior. That and they’ll quickly realize that you’re a freak whom nobody loves, therefore not worth the effort.

If you’ve gotten this far, congratulations! It means you’re still alive and will likely make it to tomorrow morning. If you’ve already been sliced and diced, then I’m sorry, but you really should have taken better precautions. You probably had sex in the high school bathroom, right? That’s what I thought.  And if you’re about to be murdered, there’s still time! Remind your soon-to-be killer that you were thrown in a dumpster as a baby and are the product of incest. Most serial killers will relate to this, and perhaps even spare you. Hell, they might even make you their sidekick.

Until next time, my evil little skunks. In the meantime, Happy Halloween!