Disruption of Flow

Sometimes, I feel, there is a blank mass obstructing my flow. It looms over me like a magnified cursor that hovers above one of the ubiquitous social media pleasure-feeds. Like a thirsty seed of mustard. Like a wet roast beef roll purchased from the convenience store at 3:34am.

To dislodge this ever-present lack of clarity, I need to rid myself of all that my online history knows. The disgusting truth of the wasted ‘intelligence’ I have gathered. Forget the bookmarked memories, the external hard drives overflowing with files in .mp3 .mkv .avi .png .jpg .doc .pdf that I have downloaded, accumulated and saved over the years that I will never open again.

Bury the myriad online personas I curate.

Burst from the digital chrysalis at year zero.

Re-ignite my Self from the archaic start.

Yet I know this will not occur. The object that obfuscates my thoughts must stay. Leaving it behind is too strenuous, too overwhelming – ultimately, it is too much work. It will remain there, wedged in my throat, imprinted on my brain, melded to my heart as I stumble blindly into online trends, replicated memes, artificial personalities, toxic likes, mindless threads. These things are me, whether I like it not.

The disruption of flow is not a detour I have to work around – it is an addiction I subconsciously crave, a hunger I fundamentally need. To remove this from my life would be psychologically shattering, arguably catastrophic – the hollowness of my true being open for all to see.

It is always easier not to think. Browsing swiping scrolling automatic on autopilot avionic totally submissive. A necessary aversion to confrontation. A better alternative than trying to feel. To avert the inevitable, the difficult – the mass obstructing my flow must stay. Forever clogging my mental path.