Diary of a Mediocre Witch

2/28/12

Britney: Check your email. 

Erika: ??

Britney: I found a place with all these powerful spells. I sent you a link, and other stuff. 

Erika: That doesn’t sound ominous at all.

Britney: lol

Britney: Some of it is a little out there haha. Have a look though! Might be something worth tryin’ out. 

3 / 9 / 12

For future use: 

Ingredients:

• seeds. 
• dirt/land
• wooden bowl
• ¼ cup bone dust,  or equivalent powdered ash. 
• green candle
• blessed water. 

Chant:  Mother nature, source of life. Being that flows through all. Hear now this gardener’s call, take now this witch’s offer. I pray to thee to make my garden grow.

3 / 13 / 12

To do’s: order supplies. Wishbones. Sage. Olive oil.  Ink: red and pink. New rose quartz crystal. (fuck David and his hot topic gifts.)

Cat Food.  Diet Pepsi. 

And popcorn. 

I’m down to one set of chicken bones, so I’ve been looking into alternatives. It’s time to expand the spellbook,  right? Get on that power-train before I’m 40 with my 6 familiars and no one even knows my real name.  Instead, kids’ll call me old hag number three — the fit one. 

So I tried that growth spell I came across last week, and it killed my grass. 

Mom’s advice: “Stop being foolish.”  and “Wait until next year.” and “Did you plant the seeds, or just wish about it?” 😒

Because that’s what I practice. Wishcraft.

Anyway.  Legend says go bigger, but I’m not about to go bird hunting.  

P.S. maybe I wouldn’t hate more cats though? I have been itching to get Clyde-butt a friend    

3 / 14 / 12

Annoyances: my local shop doesn’t sell turkey bones and made a rather severe face when I asked about a range of other birds. Like, it’s suddenly unethical for witches to use parts of nature? 

So what if you think hawks are cute or whatever?  There are other things at stake. 

I will need to do a run to the smaller shop on the edge of town. It’s far, but they have no issue being… exotic. 

I’ve already adjusted the growth spell to accommodate more material and potentially be stronger.  The circle now encompasses my entire garden, a rather large test slot. 

The all or nothing approach is a bit risky… but what isn’t?

3 / 20 / 12

I used the last of my chicken bones, down to the last dusty scrap.

Which brings us to: 

Realization: I can buy a frozen turkey.  And cook it.

The dang things were staring me in the face when I went to the grocery store.  Is it worth it? We’ll see. At the very least, I get equal parts dinner and ingredients. 

Win/win.

I don’t think it’s a very sustainable way to practice magic, but honestly, I just want to get this growth spell to work. Once I do that, I’ll be able to decide how to move forward.

3/ 23 / 12

To do: Yell at mom for never actually teaching me how to cook a turkey.  Or deal with the… body. 

She may not save the bones, but surely she knows how to get the meat off of them.  I thought that having eaten the bird every year since birth would aid me somehow, but I was very wrong. 

I have 13 pounds of dry meat slabs and greasy bones.  I had to take a shower just to get it all off of me. And then another one,  if I’m being honest, after I cleaned up the kitchen.  It’s still another four days until trash night. What the hell am I gonna do with this mangled bird corpse?

Also to do: look up how to dry out bones. Go grocery shopping for sandwich supplies, table salt, and ziplock baggies. 

And white candles — because I’m about to use this last one to calm myself down. 

Pro tip: From now on, just go buy the shit you need. You are not a kin of the earth, Erika. You just live here.  

Last to do: Find fall tarot set. If not, then any of them. 

I need help – clearly.

3/24/12

Heather: Hey sis…

Erika: Whats up?

Heather: I saw this today. 

Heather: [Image received] 

Heather: I thought of you

Erika: Is that a…ouija board? 

Erika: For Dummies? 

Erika: Why are you like this?

Heather: Am I wrong though? LMAO

Erika: God help me. 

3 / 24 / 12

Lesson: Drying bones isn’t hard. But probably even less hard if you do it in – say – the summer. 

Or when it’s not raining every 6 hours… if you want to do it with nature, that is. I feel like the earth is rebelling against my attempts to grow my skills. Silly, I know.  But Google tells me I can use the oven? 

For posterity: I called my mom for our weekly chat, and I decided to mention the turkey business.  Just that, y’know, there were things that hadn’t really been passed down to me all that well. 

 It… did not go well. I’m not really sure what I expected. She’s never supported me in my magic. Never believed in my powers.  And she perpetually blames me for the things I never learned.  

As if it’s my fault I didn’t come out of her womb knowing how to cook a giant turkey. 

I thought maybe it would be a bonding moment. We haven’t had all that much in common since I moved out. 

Whatever. 

She can keep her secrets and have thanksgiving. I have other things to worry about.   Like making this spell work. 

3 / 25 / 12

Truth bomb: Okay, okay. I do want the spell to work.  It will help me grow all my own veggies and shit. Yes.  It will help me save money so I don’t have to spend so many hours at the salon. Yes. 

But also there’s that power and recognition thing. 

I do still want that. 

To do: make a vet appointment for Clyde.  A familiar is no good if he’s sick, and his fur is looking a bit greyer than normal. 

3 / 26 / 12

Achievements: I dried the bones! I didn’t cook them. Or burn them. Or whatever else might have messed just about everything else up. 

I don’t think I’ll be going that route again. But they made my meditation crazy successful.   I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. Divination went well too. Had a long chat with Lady Freyja.

 To do: Seance soon. Goddess said it’s time.

Growth spell: Still useless. 

I guess I’ll save what’s left and go back to that little shop on the edge of town.  A girl gotta do what a girl gotta do.

3 / 26 / 12

Okay, I admit, that’s one of the cheesier ways I’ve ended an entry. I am really glad no one reads these. :/

4 / 1 / 12

Annoyance:  Trying to buy supplies on April Fool’s Day and having the clerk play pranks on me. Fucking. Rude.  

But what choice do I have? Where the hell else am I supposed to find what I’m looking for? 

Maybe I’ll track down the owner.  

Mom didn’t raise no fool. 

4 / 2 / 12

Okay, so — I made two trips because I’m stupid. 

Mom didn’t raise a fool, but she would totally laugh if I told her what happened.

I still refused to actually buy the penguin bones though? Because it made me feel sick to my stomach, and honestly, I’m still not one hundred percent convinced they would work any better than the chickens. 

I spent $150 on an ostrich set. Which supposedly includes the wishbone I need. 

I will update with the results.

To do: Call Mom tomorrow and wish her a happy birthday!

4 / 4 / 12 

Vent: Mom called.  She’s been stewing about the damn turkey incident, despite several conversations since then. I thought we were good, but she wanted to know exactly what I needed it for. She demanded.

“Was I hiding a boyfriend?”

“A girlfriend?”

“Some psychopathic Satan ritual that calls for bones?“

I told her: mhm. all of the above.  But what does she really know about growing tomatoes?  

She hung up. 

4 / 5 / 12

To do: Call mom.  Apologize. 

Call Britney. Ask about the next night out.

4 / 6 / 12

Completed tasks:  Buried fresh seeds. Performed spell. Sprinkled ashes. 

Also: Did seance last night, with a much weaker connection than promised. No voices, no visions, not  even any violent shaking. The placard barely moved.  So I did a 3 card spread. And then spent some time meditating.

Feelings:  Optimistic but also lonely.  

To do: look up love spells. 

Hahaha 

Haha

Ha….

Also to do: get more wine. 

And vodka. 

And diet Pepsi.

4 / 12 / 12

I tried to be patient this time. I swear I did.  But even if those tomatoes grow, it’s not because of the “growth spell.”  They should have broken ground by now. 

Right? 

4/12/12 

Mom: Heather is coming over tomorrow for dinner and a movie. 

Erika: Oh? 

Mom: Can I convince you to come? 

Erika: Can I bring Clyde? 

Mom: Is that the boyfriend? 

Erika: Haha.

4 / 13 / 12

Did I take the wrong notes? 

Is this whole thing a fever dream? 

To do: look up the original spell and compare notes/ double-check changes to accommodate ingredients.  

4 / 14 / 12

Remember when I said I was trying to expand my spell-book?  And I had found a growth spell?  And I wrote it down,  and then I made changes? 

Yeah, I swear, those are things that happened.  

The problem: I can’t find the original website. 

Additional problem: I also can’t find any others that quite match what I had written down. 

I’m feeling like either I dreamt the whole thing, or have lost touch with reality. 

Besides… What bird is bigger than an ostrich?  What bones would be more powerful? 

4 / 15 / 12

I’m letting this matter rest for a little while… because…

Exciting news!!: ya witch is going on a road trip with Britney and  Haley. We are going to be gone for about two weeks. 

I know, a long time.  So – it’s a vacation…/road trip.  Don’t you dare judge me, diary, you useless hunk of paper.  I’ve saved for this.   When we get back, I will figure out if it’s time to just give up on the spell. There’s plenty of others out there, right?  

Why am I so stuck on this?

Spoiler: I’m not stubborn at all. 

4 / 16 / 12

Status: Bags are packed. Coffee is hot. Mom is still acting annoyed, but taking care of the cat.  She’ll get over it. 

Clyde is the best mediator. 

With that, I’m ready to go!  Leaving journal home. Cuz I’m a grown adult. 

Or something. 

4/16

Britney: We are here! 

Erika: OMW. 

Erika: I said I was on my way. No need to honk, jerk. 

4/20 

Mom: Hey! I had to buy more food for your fat cat. 

Mom: I don’t remember him shedding so much! 

Erika: It’s a sign of his love

Mom: A sign of something alright

Erika: ?? 

Mom: Nvm.

4/26/12

Heather: missed call

Heather: Erika

Heather: Answer your phone, sis. 

Heather: missed call

Heather: Now!!! 

Heather: missed call 

Erika: My phone was in the hotel, what’s wrong?

Heather: missed call

Heather: new voicemail

 5 / 1 / 12 

Or 4/30? It’s…  12:15 am. 

I’m home.   

The last two weeks have been….  Well. They’ve been.  

To Do:  Get cat from sister. Send pictures to Walgreens for prints.  Transfer money to Britney for hotels and gas. And beer.  

And buy more beer. 

5 / 1 / 12

Things to be grateful for:  

• Ability to pay my own bills.
• A roof over my head. 
• A beautiful cat (who only sheds her body weight half the year.)
• Amazing friends 
• A happy childhood. 
• Siblings who don’t tell you devastating news over voicemails. 

Oh, wait.  Scratch that last one. 

Things to lament:  

• My garden
• The growth spell that never was.
• The upcoming end of this journal (rip, like 20 pages left)
• The end of my vacation. 
• Pictures and notes I never took.
• Leaving my phone on silent so often.  
• Shit insurance that will stick the oldest child with the eventual bill. 
• Planning events with type A’s
• Making phone calls.. ever 
• The growth spell never working
• That I just recently learned that dinosaurs were birds. 

That is a big bone.  Just something to think about.

Maybe I did that seance too early.  Maybe mom will believe me on the other side of it all.

5 / 3 / 12

Things that can screw off: making decisions. “working as a team”.  Car accidents. Cars. 

Just about everything… 

Annoyances: all that turkey sat in the fridge this whole  time.

Maybe we should just cancel thanksgiving. Who even eats this crap?

5/7/12

Haley: Erika, you ok?

Haley: Haven’t heard from you since we got back. 

Haley: I know you and your mom had a rough year…

Erika: Fine. 

Erika: thanks. 

5 / 15 / 12

To do: do you send thank-you notes for funerals? 

Maybe my sister will know. 

I bet Mom would have known. 

5 / 18 / 12

For future use:

Ingredients:

• Athame
• Glass jar
• Hieroglyphics
• The symbols of Osiris
• Heart and blood of an animal
• 4 White Candles
• blessed water

Chant:  Accept our offering, know our prayer, Osiris. Here lies (Person’s Name) of the people. Please let him/her cross over Osiris, let him/her cross over.  Let her cross over and come back to us.

 5 / 19 / 12

Full moon tomorrow. 

To do: Buy white candles. Buy salt. Set alarm. 

Update: You don’t send thank-you notes, I guess. 

Not that the narcissist wench of a sister helped at all.  

5 / 20 / 12

Full moon tonight.  If this works, then everything changes. It gives me everything I want. 

It gives me some control… at last.

Growth spell turned out to be a bust, but not this one. 

Please, Gods, not this one. 

I should be nervous, I guess. But I’m not. 

Not even a little bit. 

5 / 21 / 12

It went wrong. 

5 / 22 / 12

I can’t get her image out of my head. I’m having nightmares about her sunken eyes, and her missing jaw. 

There wasn’t.. enough. There wasn’t enough of her.  

If anyone ever finds this

Tip:  don’t raise the dead. 

Tip: blood stains everything

Tip: Magic doesn’t fix decay 

Tip: 

6 / 13 / 12 

Why did I do it? 

I can still hear the noises she made. 

I can’t look my family in the eye. They can’t see me like this. 

7 / 1 / 12

Magic can’t be trusted. 

I can’t be trusted.