Midday in the Park

Sitting on a bench, Alundra Linklace is talking to Sunrah, a woman in a tie-dye t-shirt, new to town.

Alundra tells of how fucking boring this town is, school was boring, now work is boring, drinking in the same pubs and shagging the same idiots is boring. Sunrah patiently listens and offers an empathetic ear. Alundra, never usually this open, delves deeper into her memories, her tales are all negative.

Sunrah asks: has nothing ever given you pleasure? Are there not some sparks in your life to move toward? Alundra ruminates. For me, continues Sunrah, it has always been smoking that dank shit. With that she takes out the makings and rolls a joint, sparks up, tokes and offers it over. Alundra and Sunrah sit on the bench smoking the joint, Sunrah starts chanting and tapping on the bench.

Alundra sits there waiting to feel something, but nothing comes.

Cut!

Alundra Alice Murphy, the actor playing Alundra Linklace, stands up and heads for her trailer, elbowing her way through the husky lads of the crew. In the kitchenette, she grabs the mouthwash and swills it. Before she can spit, Jerry is through the door.

Hey, he says, we’re going straight on to the next location, so don’t dick around too long in here. Alundra turns around mouth frothing: Look Jerry, I don’t even want to be in this fucking movie! Jerry is silent, but he’s got that perverse look in his eye as he backs out the trailer.

She manages only 5 minutes of yoga before a runner comes knocking and she has to get going.

A Berlin Warehouse Party

Alundra Linklace is sitting in an art-installation/bar drinking a glass of water, around her is a mad party. The Fashionista Internationale is cavorting with the local leatherclad techno crowd, performance artists dance with dancers performing art.

The throb of the music softens and a voice over of Alundra begins. She says that she has travelled Europe, sampled the nightlife and the underworld of many cities, but still her jadedness continues, and pleasure evades her.

Through the crowd comes Nester, a slender German. They observe Alundra slumping on the couch and say: you have a beautiful frown. Nester proceeds to talk at her in impeccable English, introducing themselves as a practitioner of magic. Alundra goes: Ha! But the German is utterly serious. Nester draws out some cards, they are an obscure form of tarot, the images upon them are erotic. Nester declares that their speciality is Sex Magick. Alundra runs a wary eye over this stranger, thinking maybe they’re just some creep, but the crowd is near and she feels safe enough.

Nester shuffles the pack, draws out a card, there is Teutonic typography and a picture of a naked old woman shivering in ice and snow.

Ah, The Hag, interesting, comes Nester’s lilting voice, you have never achieved ecstasy, yah? 

(pause)

Alundra forgets her line again.

Cut!

The actor playing Nester mutters in Danish, Alundra Alice Murphy heads straight off to her room. She pours herself a fruit smoothie but before she can take a sip, Jerry is through the door. He is smiling, in a good mood, he starts saying not to worry, you’ll nail it next take, plus he’s just found out that the money is going to come through, there’s a new producer, a potential distributor, etc… Alundra slams her glass down, she says, I don’t wanna do the film no more, I don’t wanna to do that disgusting sex scene. Jerry is furious, he punches the wall, then instantly pulls himself back to calm malice. You can’t quit, my little dove, my baby, you gotta do it, but don’t worry, it’s real tasteful, you’ll see, I would never do nuthin’ to dent the rep of a classy broad like you, says Jerry in his worst mobster voice.

A long pause…

(softly) Okay Jerry.

Nester’s Luxury Apartment

(Montage of fragmented sensual imagery featuring Alundra and Nester, first soft and tender, then growing harder.)

Nester (Voice Over):

I explored her like a terrain, seeking those valleys where pleasure usually lies,

(Close up tracking shot across flesh)

but they were barren.

So then I sought her underbelly…

(Flash of leather and whip)

…believing that somewhere deep within her there must exist the den of the Dragon of Ecstasy,

(Alundra lying unsatisfied on the bed)

but its discovery eluded me.

(pan over ancient tomes)

I studied esoteric texts, forgotten tantra and secret manuals, I read countless case studies about anorgasmia – the overcoming, the incurable, the relapsed. I made her meditate, whirl, chant mantra and imbibe herbs.

(Alundra lying unsatisfied on the bed)

Yet still I could not excite her to ecstasy.

Cut!

Jerry walks on set clapping, saying congratulations, that is the scene that will make them all rich. Alundra snaps up from the bed and scurries to her room. She is just ripping open the diazepam when Jerry is at the door banging. He says for her not to worry, that everything is going to work out and that she would soon be able to relax, fuck off to the Med, soak up the sun, shop ‘til she fucking drops if she wants, eat out every night, whatever, we’re almost there!

Only when the crew and cast have all gone out to party does Alundra emerge. Her mind is full of electric smiles, having spent the last hour in the bath, listening to her ambient chakra mix and getting high on incense. The shoot seems like a hazy dream to her now, as she pulls on her jacket and steps out into the night. She will hunt the streets for dumplings, preferably Tibetan. She can sleep until 8am tomorrow, which is a lie in on this shitty slave-driving schedule, then it’s off to the next location.

The Back Alleys of Antwerp

Dr Smet is walking along the back alleys of Antwerp, there are small groups of people huddling, she nods to them, her voice narrates:

I was working with a social outreach program in Antwerp, an initiative to bring mental health treatment to underprivileged groups, the homeless, the addicted, poor immigrants.

Dr Smet sees Alundra on the streets.

The first time I saw her I was intrigued, there was something so gloomy in her demeanour, no passion, but a slow and silent pain. I spoke to her and got her to apply for lodgings at our shelter, where she became my patient.

Cross fade to inside of shelter therapy room – Dr Smet and Alundra sit facing one another –

Dr Smet begins

When in your life were you most happy?

Dunno, childhood maybe?

You had a happy childhood?

Yeah, I ‘spose, but you know, just normal kid happy… kids are just like always happy, it ain’t real somehow.

It is different from adult happiness?

Yeah, it’s like, an adult hasta seek out their happiness, seek out their own pleasure.

And could you find your adult pleasure?

No… I lost kid happy… but I never found adult pleasure.

Hmm, I see.

Dr Smet, chews her pencil and looks up at the ceiling, then continues:

            Have you ever felt “kid happy” as an adult?

Alundra furrows her brow and ruminates – then she remembers something.

When I was a kid, I used to love reading, I used to read the bible, when I was very young. I used to love trying to imagine them stories, to think about them, to play with the pictures and the words in my mind. I ain’t no Christian though, everything else about it seemed gross and I ditched it, but those stories made me proper happy…

Alundra seems to be observing some wonderful vision before her eyes, Dr Smet allows her to dwell in the moment, slowly Alundra returns to the room.

What was the question again?

I said, have you ever felt happy as an adult?

Yeah, yeah, one time I was with this loser called Jerry…

Alundra Alice Murphy, the actor playing Alundra Linklace, glances past the camera to where Jerry is standing, rage spreading over his face. Her little edit of the script will burn in him, but she knows it is far too good a take to interrupt now. She is in her flow, self-aware, yet selfless, her every word canon.

…and we broke into a church one night. We huddled in our doss bags beneath those great arches, and while he huffed away on some shit, I observed the orange light pouring through the stained glass.

Alundra drops the ‘poor’ accent of her character:

I saw all those long-forgotten stories pouring into the darkness, swimming, merging,

The ancient words became new words, I became both writer and protagonist,

I commanded the stories like they were my loyal pack,

Defending me in the gulf of the unknown.

Then – Together and Alone – I achieved Ecstasy.

Whilst the famous monologue scene plays out, Alundra Alice Murphy leaves her seat and heads off down the aisle towards the bar. Along the theatre walls are posters advertising the 10th year anniversary of the “cult classic” movie, Deep Thought, emblazoned with the iconic image of Alundra in epiphany. She orders a whisky mac, but before the bartender can bring it, Jerry is at her side. 

You not watching ‘til the end?

No Jerry, I’ve always hated the second half.

What? The second half is classic!

No Jerry, it’s shit.

How can the “greatest remake ever conceived” have a shit second half?

That pseudo-medical crap in the next scene? Where Dr Smet discovers that Alundra’s clitoris is in her brain?

Yeah?

Aside from it being nonsense, why can’t her ecstasy be non-sexual?

It’s fucking fiction, not science, the speculative element is like a metaphor, for like, motivation for women to succeed and stuff.

Then the string of romances with philosophers and scientists, anyone who can stimulate her lobes and make her swoon? It’s sublimated male fantasy pretending to be some rags to riches, self-empowerment tale, it’s Pretty Woman for pseuds.

Well those broads in Hollywood say it’s a feminist masterpiece.

…and the ending, the ending is awful, corny shit, her getting Nobel Prize for curing Nymphomania!

The ending is genius baby! Orchestral swelling, heartstring pulling genius!

You’re a hack Jerry, plain and simple.

So what? You got a better ending?

Sure I do:

Alundra’s Alternative Ending

After Alundra Linklace realises that the path to ecstasy is through deep thought she flourishes, consuming knowledge, experiencing art, travelling, and learning. Her passion leads to profound erudition, and pursuing several academic qualifications, she becomes a public speaker of some influence. She begins to set up a project promoting primary education for disadvantaged girls.

(Jerry shrugs) Aside from the lack of brain clit and romance this is pretty much the same.

Hey, give me a chance! One day Alundra is approached by an executive from a media conglomerate, this is your little cameo appearance Jerry, and you offer her a platform to promote her message globally. She accepts. All seems to be going tremendously well for her, until the final scene.

Office – luxurious corporate headquarters

Alundra Linklace meets Jerry, they shake hands and seat themselves at the long mahogany table, there is a Basquiat hanging on the wall, along with a row of African masks and a Jimi Hendrix Strat. No one else is present.

Thank you so much for coming in person Ms Linklace,

I have worked with you long enough now Jerry, please call me Alundra.

 An honour Alundra, a privilege.

Alright, tone it down. What was it you called me here for anyway?

            I’m afraid it is a rather delicate manner.

Oh?

It is about the funding we promised for your project, you see, the main investor is pulling out.

Oh dear!

Yes, you see he has a new client, and they are from one of the countries where you are campaigning, so it is a bit complicated, he is having to be diplomatic in this matter

By ditching me.

Err, by withdrawing his interest temporarily, yes.

This is terrible news, it will completely scupper the project, all those years of work!

Yes, indeed, but I am staying proactive, I have a possible proposal.

You do?

            Yes, I would be willing to invest my personal fortune into your project.

You would?

Yes, but there is one small condition.

And what would that be?

You gotta suck my dick.

Close up on Alundra’s disgusted face…

Fade Out

Le Fin

Roll credits

Jerry is stunned for a moment, then starts laughing.

That’s a joke, right? That’s fucking hilarious.

Alundra is deadly serious.

It’s no joke Jerry, it’s “like a metaphor” of how things really were, it was your power, it was your story, you were the director, and I was the actor, and that’s the best ending you’ll get.