dead cow

she grinned at us lying across the trail
eyes gone lips gone altho she wasnt killed—
no scratches cuts or wounds—just deflated
sides loose like nothing left inside

surrounded by a cloud of gnats + flies
no buzzards—maybe hidden under the trees
but surely coyotes we heard the night before
or the bear whose tracks we saw this morning

could smell her—we couldnt smell anything else
circling far around offtrail covering mouths
one last look—her anus gone like the lips
exit + entry for parasites

Eddie

Eddie was the saw boss on our hotshot crew
that summer
tho he’d been passed over
for a squad boss position
he carried a whole can of Folgers coffee
in his pack on fires
for when we coyoted out
plus an extra chain + six quarts of water
50 pounds—almost double mine—
and the 25 pound chainsaw
he drank a protein shake every day
benchpressed more than
I weighed

early in the season
we went to the south rim
of the Grand Canyon
to help w/a prescribed fire
leaving our district at 5am
we spread out along a dirt
road to wait
see if the weather would cooperate

Eddie yelled at
some of us for taking naps:
—what if the public saw you!—
made us do pushups
tho our squadbosses didnt care

an hour later he fell asleep
punished himself
by doing pushups
where we could all see

later in the season
on a fire in Utah
I volunteered to be his swamper
coming behind tossing
all his cut brush
into the green
at lunch break
he said —Yohe
you’re a damn good swamper!

he told me about his girlfriend on the crew
the summer before
who broke up with him
moved to Oregon w/a fellow
rookie
all Eddie said about her
was one time they hiked up
Humphreys Peak + she complained
that he didnt stop to enjoy the view

he also said at one point
that he wasn’t
sure if he wanted
to be in fire anymore
when I asked what he’d do
he said that he always
wanted to be a highschool counselor

but I had long hair
didn’t lift weights
didnt hang out with the guys
when they went drinking in Flagstaff
he also didnt like that I slept off by myself
when were were in fire camp

Eddie also drove the crew bus
played a Cult tape
over + over for hours on the road
until someone stole it
somehow he thought it was me
he also thought I broke
a couple chainsaws
by not sharpening them
until they overheated and jammed
so he got his buddy Neal
another protein drinker
to swamp

on weekends + r&r
Eddie would drink
most of his paycheck
and complain about guys
like me
who collected unemployment in the off-season
at the end of the summer
got in a fight in Flagstaff
w/a Phoenix Cardinals fullback
who put him in the hospital
for a week

I went to another forest
the next year
he got promoted to foreman
a few years later
gave me a bad reference
to a helitack crew
but they hired me anyway

phone sex

I never paid for it
but back in my thirties
I had 3 or 4 women
(not at one time)
long distance girlfriends
or just friends
who engaged in it
w/me
one in particular
I met
on a short stay in Chicago
working at a bookstore—

we hooked up
a couple times after work
I remember thinking
she was ok
but that I was leaving
soon
so why not
she agreed
so I figured
just go for it—
get as dirty
as I really wanted
not hold back
unless she didnt want to
but
she wanted to

moved to LA
asked her if she
wanted to phone
thinking if not
oh well
but she did
neither of us had social lives
she was just divorced
I moved around too much
so we talked
2 or 4 times a week—
even when
I went on the road firefighting
all summer
then moved to Santa Fe

this was back w/landline phone
the quality good
laying in the dark in my bed
confessing my sins
or at least my fantasies of sins
creating fantasies together
I told her things
I/d never told anyone before
things I would have been shamed to say
in public
but she like them—
I liked hearing her voice
in my ear
in the dark
telling me it was ok
asking me to tell her more—
I felt known

visited Chicago once
or twice
she flew out to Santa Fe
for a week
but I didnt want more
even tho she proposed
moving to be w/me—
I/m ashamed to say
didnt like her that much
she wasnt a bad person
just uninteresting
or thats what I told myself
but we both wanted real social lives
to meet others
to date others
she had more luck than I
I wasnt jealous
or sad
when we talked less + less
finally not at all
I moved another couple times
changed numbers
lost her
havent had a really serious relationship
of any sort
since

Crazy Eddie’s

The basement filled with boys
in denim and leather
and a few girls in short skirts
and high heels
with beer and weed
and coke and yelling
and later that night
in a drunken rage
or stupor
or just because his parents died in a car crash
and he inherited the house at 22
Eddie will slam his head
through a wall

but meanwhile
Metal Mom describes to all the teenagers who will listen
her dream of hosting a death metal festival
which will come true
while her ex-cop husband
stands in the hallway
so girls have to rub up against him
to get by

and Lucifer’s Hammer
crunches out their unforgettable song
The Comet
who’s lyrics
in part
growl
‘welcome to our solar system’

their singer
is fucking my ex-girlfriend
and the guitar player
already did
when she still was

in the kitchen
a guy pukes into the sink
and someone turns on the garbage disposal
sending it
spraying back up into his face

after my band plays
we lug our guitars and amps
drums and cymbals
back up the stairs
and out to the vehicles
taking off our sweaty black Iron Maiden and Slayer t-shirts
laughing
                steam rising off our bodies

we are young
and skinny
and long-haired
and think we might be rock stars
and amazingly
no one calls the cops