Cover Letter

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am writing to express my genuine excitement at the prospect of not killing myself! I was immediately drawn to the opportunity to contribute to your team.

Your company’s commitment to paying me enough not to kill myself aligns perfectly with my own professional values.

Throughout my career, I have managed to not kill myself. I am confident that my background in keeping myself alive makes me a strong fit for the role.

Moreover, I am eager to contribute to this company’s collaborative and dynamic work environment. I thrive in environments where housing and food are valued, and I am excited about the opportunity to refrain from killing myself.

Thank you for considering my application. I am looking forward to the possibility of not killing myself!

Warm regards,

kms

Never Unsubscribing

I can’t believe I have two feet
I can’t believe each foot has its own ten toes
A pinky toe on my left foot has seen
Species sleeping in trees and hairy
Backs recede like our ability to sense
When the moon wants us to sleep
Blue light keeps us AWAKE and
I’m UP
All of my friends live in a COMPUTER
Inside my POCKET
It feels so good when they vibrate
Between my thighs
Good morning to all of the people whose faces
I don’t even need to see to know that I love them
I am sexting with an anonymous PFP
Someday my grandkids (grand-drives
(grand-memory-children))
Will wonder why we sold feet pics to pay for the
Netflix subscription
But their world will have unskippable ads
To use the kitchen sink
Honey, did we pay the plushie bill last month?
Don’t let them take PussyDestroyer9000 away like
They did to the Saturn in Capricorn pillow—
She was my only form of physical touch
BABE WAKE UP, new Bot Terrorist album
Just dropped
GOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM
You feel so good inside my VR headset
Let’s send each other sweating face emojis
Until I can fuck you in lucid dreams
I keep seeing rats on the kitchen floor that
Aren’t really there
And I miss them
I miss my iPod Video with the cracked screen
Swipe UP to send a fleet of Boston Dynamics dogs
To your state senator’s front door
I don’t exist but people are starting to see me
You wouldn’t get it!
Amazing how once people thought we
Didn’t live in a simulation
Life is a matrix
And thank God I am an algorithm

Not a Fit