An Ugly Decision #4

“Look, and I don’t expect you to understand this, or have any sympathy for me, given the circumstance, but it’s hard for men these days, too. Like I have to go online and I have to see these women and their enablers posting bullshit like ‘men are trash’ and other derogatory shit and then see them be applauded and cheered on as brave and gorgeous and amazing, and no one ever calls them out as being hate-filled and hurtful. It’s not okay. And then you see these people rewarded over and over and over again when you know that if you said anything similar about women you’d be crucified and you’d lose your job and they’d come for whatever it is you’ve been able to earn for yourself.”

“So, you’re saying they are now getting the opportunities that should be yours…”

“No, what I am saying is that we live in a time when it’s okay to say certain people are trash and you will be applauded for it, and no matter how cathartic that may be, when you are one of those certain people you can’t help but internalize that and start thinking to yourself ‘well okay then fuck you too’ and develop real resentments that weren’t present before, against women I’m saying.”

“Your misogyny is their fault? Women?”

“No, and that’s the point, I’m not saying that I even hate the women who hate men and say that all men are trash or that the world would be better off if men didn’t exist. What I am saying is that after years of having to randomly see such sentiments applauded online and the people who say them get rewarded with social clout which then in turn translates into opportunities, it’s not a far leap to say that some men, who harbored no misogyny at all, would internalize the fact that the world seems on board with calling them trash and then start behaving accordingly, which then creates a system by which these women are creating the very thing they seem to love pointing to and saying ‘see, look at that man, he is trash.’ They call you trash until one day you believe you are trash and then you start behaving like trash and then they say ‘see, look at that man, he is trash,’ and then all their yas-queen friends all gather around them and are like ‘you go girl,’ and then here’s your new hour-long Netflix special and an overall development deal.”

“You’re saying it’s unfair… to you… that you aren’t getting the Netflix specials and the development deals and they are.”

“No, it’s not about that. It’s not about whether or not I ever get a special or a deal or anything, it’s about internalizing being trash and that everyone seems to agree that you are trash and then how that manifests itself in a negative self-attitude which then in turn causes a person to behave like they are trash.”

“And that’s why you are here, now?”

“Yes.”

“Because some women online are mean and are getting rewarded, and that that made you feel bad, so, you decided to behave as if what they are saying about all men applies directly to you, and you are justified in any decision you make after that because if they say you are trash then you might as well behave that way.”

“Yes.”

“But, okay, and that’s fine in the theoretical, but what happens now then?”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean you acted out and you behaved like trash, and it sounds like you believe that you had reason to, and now you find yourself here. You find yourself with a heap of heartburn.”

“She was one of the worst of them…”

“I’m your friend, still your friend, but she’s my sister, so tread carefully.”

“Your sister, believe me, she would sit online all day and she would cluck with the hens and she would share her memes and get her likes and whatever.”

“The kids, the house, she’s pretty pissed is all I’m saying.”

“You talked to her already?”

“Of course. You called me and I called her, I’m her family, that’s how this works.”

“And you told her already? Before I had a chance to explain my side?”

“Look, I get it, it’s not easy and it’s work and you’ve been struggling and banging your head against the wall, but really, c’mon, where I just picked you up from and why, that has nothing to do with any of that.”

“You don’t get it, you can’t get it, not with the way you are talking. I’m saying it informs everything you do, how you perceive yourself, it’s not just inert chatter online, it gets into your brain, makes you see yourself a certain way, makes you believe a certain narrative. You know what she told me, your sister, when I told her it was making me feel really bad to see people rewarded for saying hatful things about who I am. Not like me, but the group I happen to belong to. Do you know?”

“No, I don’t know, how would I know?”

“She said to me she said, ‘what goes around comes around I guess,’ that’s probably when I decided.”

Gordon McShane pulled into the parking lot at the hotel where he was to drop off Kenneth Veynen and he parked his late-model Lexus between two big, 20 foot, U-Haul trucks there and he killed the engine which killed the heaters and he saw his breath as they sat for a moment in silence while he just knew that Kenny was waiting for him to have sympathy for his position and to agree that what his sister had said was, indeed, somehow responsible for his inexplicable behavior.

“Can you believe that?! ‘What goes around comes around!’ Like what the fuck did I do, right? She knows me, knows I don’t go around harassing anybody, knows I just keep my head down, do my work, help out where I can, and she lays that same guilt trip on me as they do with their whole men are trash even if they didn’t do anything wrong bullshit.”

“But still, yeah and sure, that’s not like nice to say to a husband, but still, that can’t be why you were out there tonight, why you were doing what you were doing, that can’t be the reason. A person just doesn’t go and decide to visit one of those places just because their wife was a little less than sensitive to their feelings.”

“You’re right. That’s true, I suppose. But think like this, a person doesn’t go to one of those places because their wife is a little insensitive, a person goes to one of those places because they don’t judge, they don’t care, they don’t tell you you are trash, they just rub you down, then rub you down.”

“Jesus, how many times?”

“Too many, probably.”

“This is gonna make the news you know.”

“I know.”

“The embarrassment alone is going to end the thing with my sister, forget the betrayal.”

“I know.”

“Messy, very messy.”

“Yeah, entanglements galore. And then the kids…”

“How are you going to deal with that?”

“50/50 I suppose.”

“I mean explaining it to them. They are going to hate you.”

“What a thing to say… Jesus Christ.”

“It’s true, Kenny, you don’t seem to grasp how true it is. This situation is fucked.”

“Where is she now?”

“Home, crying her eyes out. She broke your clubs, by the way, ran right over them.”

“Nothing just happens in a vacuum, Gordon.”

“Just get out and get some sleep. She told me to tell you not to come by the house in the morning, she’ll call you later.”

“It’s not that…”

“Just get out.”