The single-point agenda meeting had quickly reached an impasse following the company coming under fire.

The spark, initiated by a woman, unpleasant and nameless, who tweeted that Dumbo was not safe for children to watch, what with the scene when he accidentally drinks alcohol and then has a whale of a time. “This is advocating AND glorifying the use of alcohol to children AND animals” she had affirmed, on Twitter, with multiple exclamation marks. It hadn’t taken long for many other people to jump on the bandwagon.

By 10.32, her tweet had been shared over 6,000 times.

By lunchtime, the woman had gone viral. “Well, this really blew up” she had tweeted humbly, along with a link to the homemade lamp shades she was selling from £45 as a side hustle.

By mid-afternoon, their social media had been flooded with messages spanning wildly in anger and intelligibility.

By 3pm, Charlotte had called the emergency meeting.

Muriel and Emma find it preposterous. But Calvin and Charlotte back it 100%. “One. Hundred. Per. Cent” enunciates Calvin finger pressed down against the table, phalanges whitening with determination, whilst washing bites of a pink glazed donut with swigs from a giant takeout coffee cup. “It is time we cleaned this up, really, there is no place for such language, such indecency, such inadequacy such, such”…emotion and donut lodge themselves in Calvin’s throat and for a second he goes quiet, enabling Charlotte to take over.

“I agree with Calvin”, she gesticulates, pointing a pearly coral nail at new starter James as an indication he should be taking notes. James, still a little dumbfounded by having been serenaded “Can you feel the love tonight” while waiting for the lift by some of the real Lion King cast, opens his brand–new mermaid-decorated notepad and scribbles some notes, struggling to keep up with the flow of words coming out of Charlotte’s mouth.

“Dumbo is only the tip of the iceberg really and as the head of policy it is my role to look into how we can fix this. We also need to fix the waistlines of all the princesses because they are a national case of anorexia waiting to happen. We also should remove the flying carpet from Aladdin because frankly this is very dangerous. Imagine kids trying this at home? Although it is an iconic scene maybe we could just add a warning. Something reminding people that Ikea rugs are not magic. We should also warn them that tigers don’t make good pets, either. James are you writing this down? Also, the one with all the dogs. Where do I start? Animal cruelty, thinking it is appropriate to chat up women at the park, more drunks, abduction. And the other one with the dogs, that pretty one with the bum, EVERYTHING is wrong about it and oh, I could go on, what do you all think?”

Her gaze wanders across the room and stops on James who’s shaking his hand from writing so much so quickly with his mermaid shape pencil. There is not much he wants to say. There’s actually a part of him that is verging on certain death and at that very moment he’s missing his old job very much. But James is a team player and wants to show that he is listening and sympathising with whatever this is.

“Bambi!” he utters, not knowing what to expect but certainly not expecting the rather sizeable tumbleweed moment.

She ignores him – nobody gets near Bambi, it’s a fucking masterpiece – and carries on. “I do believe, within myself, personally, that we need to erase those parts. We need to show that we are evolving. We need to show that we don’t condone lewd, drunk behaviour or have a problem with any sizes, or ethnicities.” She shakes her head with the knowing motion of those that have been right since the dawn of time, while in the HR office her complaint file, mainly for discrimination and bullying, grows thicker by the day. She’s still nodding as she rehydrates, her mouth a chicken ass on the sports drinking bottle she gulps from.

Calvin nods too, though his eyes are a bit glazed over as his mind wanders. He’s eager to go back to his recent dark web purchase. Great stuff, really pro. And he likes that they don’t lay plastic sheets over the floor before starting. He likes when it gets messy.

Muriel intervenes, the smell of tobacco and last night’s brandy erupting from his mouth, causing Emma to recoil a bit. “We need to be careful here guys, otherwise we’ll have nothing left. Do you honestly think people become alcoholic because of a cartoon elephant? I’ve never even seen it. Raise your hand if you have?” James tentatively raises his hand which he then brings back down when no-one else does and he goes on being ignored a second time and in his hand the Little Mermaid pencil snaps in two.

“Do we cancel Pinocchio because, frankly, between the old man playing with a doll and the fact that he’s wood it is just one big metaphor and glorification of paedophilia, isn’it? And what about Snow White?” Mur’s tone has been rising with every word and Emma lays a calming hand on his forearm. “Easy, Mur.” She pats it as one would an anxious dog on a fireworks evening.

Muriel sits back down, shoving a nicotine chewing-gum in his mouth and masticates with rage. “I think we need to take this to the board. This needs to be a unanimous decision. I’ll email them. Charlotte, who’s the new guy who recently joined?”

“The fat guy? Boy he’s revolting isn’t he. Will ask Tom, he’s good at names. I think it’s a gay thing.” And with that, Charlotte takes another swig of her water and stands up, rigid with disapproval at what she refers to as “a sad state of affairs” and leaves without saying goodbye.