I am putting the finishing touches on this article at 5 pm EST on a Friday afternoon. It’s officially the weekend, and that can only mean one thing: a heightened risk of sudden, accidental death. There are dozens of ways you could die this weekend, from drunken sidewalk falls to picnic-ground-adjacent suicide bombings to timeless classics like meth lab fires and autoerotic asphyxiation. But don’t despair: even if your inevitable death arrives before the resumption of the work week, you can still make the most of the time you have left.

Except maybe it’s not totally clear how you should go about living in the shadow of your own mortality; maybe you’re not sure how to really savor a day that might be your last. Don’t worry, because your friends at Misery Tourism have got you covered.

After a full half hour of agonized thought, we compiled a list of the six best ways fill a single (possibly final) day with meaning. And then we realized that every one of them was fucking dumb. But, hey, content is content.

1. Tell your friends and family how much they mean to you (and scare the shit out of them). This one’s a no-brainer. We all have people in our lives that are incredibly important to us. (Actually, no, wait, some individuals are completely alone, so, uh, if you’re one of the lucky few who are totally isolated from other human beings, I guess you can skip this one.) If we were honestly going to live without regrets, a solid first step would be to let those closest to us know just how much we value them. Why wouldn’t we tell them that they are loved?

Well, possibly because they will be terrified for you. Their minds will immediately fill to overflowing with horrifying possibilities and they will begin to drown in this fresh, ever-deepening pool of anxiety. You will face immediate questions about your health and state of mind.

Did your doctor just call with bad news? Oh my god, do you have cancer? Is it terminal? You are dying. Oh no, no, no, no, my baby is dying.

Are you depressed? Suicidal? Do you own a gun? Pills? Knives? Jesus, everyone has knives. I am coming over there right now to confiscate your knives.

And, suddenly, in your attempt to live life to the fullest, you have forced everyone near and dear to you to contemplate your impending death. Nice job. Hope you’re prepared for the deluge of concerned facebook messages from second and third cousins and an email from your aunt with links to holistic healing websites and testimonials from Panamanian peasants who had their malignant tumors miraculously removed by highly trained psychic surgeons.

2. Seek out a moment of spontaneous connection with another human being (and reaffirm your own loneliness). OK, so maybe you’ll never be able to fully express yourself to your loved ones. That’s fine, because there are billions of strangers out there, and each one of them presents an opportunity to share a profound, almost supernatural moment of mutual understanding that will infuse your life (however short) with transcendental meaning. You just have to find the right one. All you have to do is wander out into street now, full of the joy of life and a pulsing excitement at the thought of getting to know an entirely new being, of exploring the terra incognita of another human soul―and then you have to, you know, introduce yourself to someone. Ugh.

Alright, this could become complicated. Let’s see if we can think up some best practices. For example, you should probably avoid members of the sex that you’re romantically attracted to, lest your intentions be misunderstood. You might have some romantic notions about stumbling upon the love of your life, but there’s a very thin line between serendipity and street harassment.

Also, this goes without saying, but steer clear of children and teens. Best to avoid anyone who is obviously busy or distracted too. Odds are they’ll just be annoyed and view you as a pesky interruption or an all out social menace. So, really, all you have to do is strike up a conversation with a person you’ve never met before who has nothing better to do, who doesn’t find your attention  weird, creepy, or intimidating, and who also happens to have enough in common with you to allow you to maintain a conversation for long enough to develop a feeling of camaraderie and that you discover this commonality before you both become acutely aware of the absurd awkwardness of the situation. Or you could stay home.

3. Try something new (and discover that you hate it). Perhaps the road to carpe diem doesn’t run through other human lives. Maybe you’ll have to find a more solitary way to treasure life’s fleeting embrace. That’s fine, because there are countless new experiences to be had, even in a vacuum. There are places you’ve never been, skills you haven’t learned, planes you haven’t jumped out of with just a (hopefully fully-functional) parachute and a prayer, antique wooden roller coasters that you haven’t risked decapitation to ride. There is so much you can do, even alone, even in the face of your certain eventual death.

But most of those things suck. Really, they do. Take a mental inventory of every time you’ve tried something new. Your subconscious biases and the natural limits of the human mind will prevent you from doing this either completely or accurately, but let’s imagine you could. Be honest with yourself: how many of those times ended with you discovering a new and wonderful facet of existence that you now can’t imagine having lived so long without, and how often did this glorious new thing end up being sort of gross, uncomfortable, terrifying, stupefying, or all of the above?

Now take those memories and extrapolate into the future. Do you really want to gamble on something untested? Remember, you may have less than a day to live. Imagine your mangled limbs hanging from the wreckage of your midsize sedan after the drunk driver has fled the scene, and now imagine one of your final hours was spent repeatedly falling from a surfboard into sub-arctic water while a teenage lifeguard with an ivy league scholarship, who will be making three times your income in four years, looks on in pity, wondering if she should intervene. Think it was all worth it?

4. Indulge in your favorite hobby or pastime (until it becomes another rote, meaningless behavior). Alright, you think, maybe new things are out, but there’s still plenty that I already enjoy. Why not spend my final hours (if, indeed, they are my final hours) in total hedonistic abandon, doing what I already know to be fun and fulfilling? OK, you got me. That’s actually a really solid way to pass a couple of hours. You might even manage a moment of joy or a quiver of contentment.

The only problem is that you have 24 hypothetical hours to fill. One full day. Even if you squander eight of those hours in bed, that’s still sixteen hours: dawn to dusk and some change. I hope you really love playing Overwatch, or watching 70s exploitation films, or, hell, even practicing Zen meditation, because sixteen hours is going to test even the most quiet mind. Sixteen hours is going to transform your favorite guilty pleasure, your most precious time-wasting fetish, into an excruciating, mind-numbing chore. The sheer weight and pressure applied by time will bend and warp the most gleeful diversion into something as unrecognizable as it is unbearable.

But, hey, you still have to squeeze three meals into your day. Why not make a heaping plate of your favorite food? (And eat until all you can taste is ash.)

5. Buy yourself something you’ve always wanted (but cannot afford and will not fully enjoy). This one is strictly for the true terminal cases. You better be pretty sure you aren’t going to see another day, because the endorphin rush from even the most obscene, nouveau riche,  West Eggian purchase is destined to be short lived, and you’re doomed to wake up filled with regret (and in debt).

6. Express yourself artistically (and realize that creating anything worthwhile requires years of practice and training as well as a certain amount of inborn talent and luck). So it turns out that every creative work of value was the end result of practice and agony and sweat and blood and genetic/environmental alchemy and good fucking fortune and you’ve already wasted most of your life and you’ll never be able to conjure anything of real, lasting value in an afternoon or in the tiny sliver of time remaining before your consciousness dissolves into the eternal vacuum of nothingness, which may not happen tonight after all, but still will happen far, far too soon.

Fuck it. Why don’t you just write some clickbait, listicle bullshit? Those assholes at Cracked seem happy. Forget what I just said. Death can’t come soon enough.

Enjoy your weekend!